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Sarah-Louise is a child with a child.

WELL, it was only a matter of time before someone did it, and, quite unbelievably, Coronation Street has got in there first.

Yes, they have made a 13-year-old character pregnant. Sarah-Louise, who is hardly ever on screen, now reveals why. She's been shacked up with her boyfriend - whoever he may be - getting jiggy with it, and now she's a child with child.

Poor Gail Platt (Helen Worth). What has she done to deserve her life? Her first husband ends up dead in a close, her mother is the most annoying woman in town, her father is, well, who knows, and her hair is just so bad.

Now, her second husband is carrying on with a work colleague and about to tell her he's leaving her, when her daughter tells her she's pregnant.

Run for the hills, Gail, while you still can.

What about Martin (Sean Wilson)? Do me a favour. Even my boss feels like puking when he's on screen sticking his tongue down Rebecca's throat. And the editor of this magazine is not one to be nasty to people at will, you know? And, no, I'm not angling for a pay rise.

Anyway, other than the Platt's troubles, the Street is pretty uneventful this week. Mark's all over Leanne, which doesn't excite me, and neither, it has to be said, does Jim and Gwen, Debs and Duggie or Alma and Bob. I want Mike to find out about Linda and Mark and I want someone to go round to that grotty bedsit and make sure Toyah and Spider, who've been away for an age, aren't rotting corpses.

Emmerdale is reeling this week from the truth about Graham. Pollard (Chris Chittell) is, of course, wasting no time telling everyone he always suspected him. Quite right, too. Is this man the only one in the village with common sense and eyes?

My God, Graham was so mad he was only one step away from walking about in his mother's clothes, brandishing a kitchen knife.

And would you Adam and Eve it? Those nasty press men are in town bothering everyone. Chris (Peter Amory), meanwhile, isn't bothered a hoot about all this because he has better things to think about - the lovely Claudia (Susan Duerden) being one of them. But then after their moment of passion, he ignores her. Bloody men.

And Richie is another one, blabbing all over the place about his affair with an older woman.

In Brookside it is the women who reign supreme. Max (Steven Pinder) - who is being guided everywhere by his pecker - is falling into a sex trap set by Deborah, and Emily (Jennifer Ellison), what about Emily?

This woman knows what she wants, but is she sailing a little close to the wind? Oh, we think so, we think so.

Jacqui (Alex Fletcher), the businesswoman who was giving it all up, probably isn't going to after all, and it seems Lord Snooty (Nathan) is going to be broken- hearted.

And rejoice one and all because Gemma might be heading for that big past characters dump very soon ...

In Hollyoaks, Carol (Natalie Casey) finds out about Meryl. Bloody hell, she's dim. Didn't take her that long did it? Doh.

And what is all this nonsense with Emily and Gina (Danielle Brent) fighting? Why on earth were they together in the first place, I ask myself.

Do you know what the best bit about Hollyoaks is these days? The knowledge that, at the end of the omnibus on a Sunday the entertaining Shipwrecked is only minutes away.

Talking of old wrecks, what about Sunset Beach? The sun is almost setting, but they are packing in as much as they can. This week a sobbing Annie begs Gregory and Jude to spare her life. Just when it looks like it's the end, Jude punches Gregory to the ground. Why? Because he's an FBI agent who has been on Gregory's trail for six months. Of course he has. What next, Olivia and Annie are secret lovers?

In Five's homegrown soap, Family Affairs, Josh is still cheating on Yasmin with Julie-Ann. And, thankfully, Roy (Miles Petit) sees sense and manages to persuade Maria (Annie Miles) not to buy Cat's baby. Oh, I know what it's like. I managed to persuade a mate of mine not to sell her daughter just last week. What on God's earth is this all about?

I reckon Five will replace the void which will be left by the demise of Sunset Beach by upping the mad storylines in Family Affairs. And more power to their elbows, too.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Brown, Merle
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Feb 19, 2000
Previous Article:Bragg bags Douglas; The South Bank Show Sunday, ITV, 10.45pm.
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