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SNAKES ON L.A.'S BRAIN.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

What are the chances that these seemingly Padres-rattled Dodgers develop a sudden fear of snakes this weekend? Is a 2-0 victory that convincing? Would it be prudent to station Samuel L. Jackson as a visiting bullpen gate monitor just to have him stare down each Arizona D'backs reliever who saunters into the game?

Doesn't J.D. Drew look like he could use (another) rest after that exhausting home-run trot Friday?

Was Tiger Woods more upset over the discovery of fake nude shots of his wife in some limey magazine, or the fact they used Phil Mickelson's breasts on those photoshopped pictures?

What are Dr. Kobe Bryant's assessments of the chemistry problems with the U.S. women's basketball team, the U.S. Ryder Cup team, the U.S. Davis Cup squad, the New York Yankees' clubhouse, ESPN's ``Cold Pizza'' and the cast of NBC's ``Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip''?

Can we see the hand signal again that Pete Carroll gave to Brent Musburger? Why couldn't Musburger protect his sources on that one, or was he afraid of facing jail time?

There's supposed to be justice served by the fact the scandalous sportswriters who broke the story open on steroids (with dirty grand jury testimony leakage) are facing longer jailtime than those BALCO boneheads who actually did the dirty deeds?

A-Rod, to Arte's Angels? How will Bill Stoneman possibly screw that one up?

Tom Brady (77.6) and Ben Roethlesberger (38.7) combined don't come close to Rex Grossman (128.7) in passer rating?

Why can't we find the San Antonio Saints in the NFL standings any more?

With all those ESPN people in New Orleans this week covering Monday night's game, shouldn't FEMA be on standby to help those affected by Hurricane Berman?

At this point in his career, what kind of shoe deal does Morten Andersen hope to get? Some orthopedic PF Flyers?

Have you convinced yourself that Shaun Alexander's slow start (two games, 140 total rushing yards, one TD, two fumbles and a sore left foot) has absolutely nothing to do with that ``Madden NFL 07'' curse?

What will Stonge-Bob Stoop-Pants stoop to next during this Ducksgate hissyfit?

And when does the not-so-mighty Quinn and Notre Dame start playing like a champion? Today?

Was that the sound of chest-thumping from Irish and Trojans fans watching Oaks Christian dismantle St. Bonaventure?

How much would Pete Rose charge for an autographed baseball that added the inscription: ``I'm Sorry You Had to Watch Tom Sizemore Play Me in that ESPN Movie''?

How fearless would Jet Li be co-starring in a ``Jackass'' sequel?

thomas.hoffarth@dailynews.com

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Title Annotation:Sports
Publication:Daily News (Los Angeles, CA)
Date:Sep 23, 2006
Words:440
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