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Byline: Jane Simon ; Brian McIver

WHOLE 3PICTURE Gently and Macduff book, The does where that going that Gently for it Dirk JOIN THE JET SET OUT ON A LIMO C4, 10pm THERE was a time when, if you saw a limo on the streets, you'd imagine there must be a celebrity hiding behind those tinted windows.

Now we don't even bother to look, because we know it'll just be a hen party getting trollied, or an eight-year-old's birthday.

This is a film about Jet Set Limousines in Blackpool and, like the limos themselves, you don't really have to watch it to know what you'll find inside.

Tonight's passenger list includes glamour girls vying to be crowned "Miss Blackpool", whose main goal in life is to bag a bloke with a Bentley.

One mother, Caz, has booked a limo to take her 11-year-old daughter Stephie to her primary school prom.

And, of course, there are brides, like Stacey. Or Ethel - in a pink limo called Priscilla - who's also getting married and hopes it will be third time lucky.

THE CLINIC IS OPEN EMBARRASSING BODIES C4, 9pm IF your GP stuck his camera where these overly intrusive doctors stick theirs, they'd get struck off. So how do this lot continue to get away with it? Normally I avoid this series like the plague for how it pretends to provide a medical service, when all it does is peddle porn in a white coat.

ve But I was prepared to give it a go because the problems sounded harmless. There's a problem with breast implants, a woman who's addicted to coffee enemas and new doctor James Logan infecting himself with a hookworm.

I would've preferred it if Dr Christian Jessen was infecting himself with smallpox for crimes against TV, but this was a start.

t y it he Even the story on urinary incontinence sounded like it may be helpful but then the doctor tells her "just pop your ankles up like you're going to have a smear... " You can guess the rest.

EMMERDALE STV, 7pm AARON'S peculiar brand of grumpy, monosyllabic charm has managed to work its magic yet again.

Fit rugby-playing Ed Roberts (Lloyd Everitt) arrives with some of his team-mates to lend some muscle when he hears that Aaron is helping Adam work on the farm.

It's certainly an odd kind of first date - but it all ends quite promisingly.

CORONATION STREET STV, 7.30pm & 8.30pm FRANK Foster would pride himself on being a hard-headed businessman, as he tricks Carla into signing over her factory.

e But someone should have warned him about the curse of Underworld, because before the day is over, he'll be dead on the factory floor - like so many before him. It turns out that old head of his obviously isn't quite as hard as he thought it was.

d EASTENDERS BBC1, 8pm ZAINAB doesn't want the money Yusef has left her, nor do Tamwar and Afia.

y Cash won't solve Tanya's problems which lie in the bedroom with Max and in the gutter with Lauren.

DIRK GENTLY BBC4, 9pm THE cases investigated by Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency tend to make perfect logical sense.

But the first pilot episode of this BBC4 comedy screened back in 2010 got a mixed reception.

People who hadn't read Douglas Adams' original novels tended to like it more than devotees.

They were peeved that Dirk Gently wasn't played by a pudgy man wearing a red hat, a green striped tie and thick metal specs, but by Stephen Mangan.

Fans also objected to the way Howard Overman's script left out so much of the book's detail, which is a bit like complaining you can't fit the entire British Olympic Squad on a push-bike.

Recommissioned for three episodes, Mangan returns along with Darren Boyd as his much put-upon partner Macduff.

Tonight, Dirk must discover the connection between a man who thinks the Pentagon wants to kill him and another man who thinks his horoscopes are coming true.

Fans of Adams' novels will be pleased to see Dirk's theory of "Zen Navigation" comes straight from his book, The Long Dark Tea Time Of The Soul.

Basically, if you have no idea where you're headed, just find a car that looks like it knows where it's going and follow that. Seriously, isn't that how most men drive? TURN OVER FOR SCOTLAND'S BEST TV GUIDE DUNDEE UNITED V CALEY THISTLE LIVE SPL ESPN, 7PM PETER Houston knows this weekend's Scottish Cup quarter final against Celtic is the last chance for silverware this season. But that won't stop the Dundee United boss making sure his team's attractive style of football goes to pot in the league with a tough match at home. The Arabs are still fighting for a European spot in the SPL, and face Terry Butcher's inconsistent Inverness Caley Thistle in the live game tonight.

United's Gary Mackay-Steven is the man to watch, as his dazzling skills have shown for the home side, while Caley Thistle's Irishman Johnny Hayes is always capable of creating something from nothing.

Don't miss your FREE TV mag in Saturday's Record


HIGH FLIERS Jet Set drivers INTRUSIVE Jessen and his team AYU P Aaron and Ed get frisky down on the farm
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Mar 5, 2012
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