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Record tv; PICK OF THE DAY.

Byline: Jane Simon; Brian McIver

BABY BEAUTY QUEENS BBC3, 8.30pm

ALONG with hamburgers and high school proms, baby beauty pageants are yet another innovation we've happily bought into from America.

And they're not going to go away. When documentaries like this first appeared, the tone was very fingerwagging and clearly intended to provoke a knee-jerk of outrage at the sight of little girls playing Lolita in lip-gloss and eyeliner.

Now there are 17 different pageants around the country for nippers and this new six-part series is struggling a bit, quite honestly, to find anything unusual about mums dragging their be-spangled child along to a soulless leisure centre in Milton Keynes in the hope of proving she's prettier than a bunch of other kids. This week, we meet Mini Miss UK hopefuls Amber and Eden and their mums Sally and Fathom.

And what is new is that organiser Pam Boon has introduced an extra category for Yummy Mummies.

It's a brainwave, frankly.

Now, all those women who were living their beauty-queen dreams through their daughters can bask in the spotlight in their own right. Even better - if you felt guilty before about criticising kids for behaving every bit as appallingly as their mothers let them, now you can direct your jeers squarely at the right person. "I just look at her and she takes my breath away," gushed Sally of her nightmare brat.

"She's more beautiful than me and I think I'm pretty. I think I've got the looks." Short of actually painting a bullseye on her face with lipstick, Sally couldn't make a bigger target of herself if she tried.

DADDY OF ALL ROWS

HOLBY CITY BBC1, 9pm

WHOSE womb is it anyway, Faye must be thinking tonight.

Her baby isn't even born and already Linden and Joseph are squabbling over who gets to go to the scan with her and who'll get to be there in the delivery room with her when the time comes.

When so many kids are brought up without knowing one father, surely having two doctor daddies is like hitting the jackpot? But, of course, none of them see it like that.

Especially Linden who, like Eeyore, seems biologically programmed to find the dark cloud in every silver lining.

Although the person we really pity is the patient on the operating table helplessly lying there while Linden and Joseph bicker - over exposed innards.

"Maybe you should go on the Jerry Springer Show: I'm The Father To Another Man's Child", suggests goth nurse Frieda with all her usual tact.

VERY WEIRD SCIENCE

BETTER OFF TED FX, HD, 9pm and 9.30pm

DON'T make the mistake of fast-forwarding through the commercial at the start of this show. It's part of the programme - an ad for Veridian Dynamics, the scary science conglomerate where this US sit-com is set.

Veridian manufactures weapons, drugs and all kinds of other evil stuff. And it also makes some very clever jokes about working for a company that's so ruthless and money mad.

In the first episode, they've decided to freeze one of their employees - just to see if it's possible.

Veridian's coldheartedness is perfectly embodied by Portia de Rossi from Ally McBeal. Jay Harrington is her underling, Ted. He's head of research and development and looks like he could have just stepped out of Mad Men.

Ted's other job is trying to convince his daughter that grown-ups know the difference between right and wrong - tough when top of your "To Do" list is inventing a deadly pumpkin.

ALL THE GOSS FROM YOUR SOAPS

EMMERDALE STV, 7pm

NATASHA has to rush back from her mini-break with Declan tonight when she hears the police are already swarming around the body Sam has found in the woods.

Is her terrible secret about to be uncovered? Who knows? We're actually more worried about what the heck has happened to Betty Eagleton's hair.

It seems to have gone quite blonde with shock.

EASTENDERS BBC1, 7.30pm

MURDER, kidnapping - not to mention the wanton dereliction of a soup kitchen - Lucas Johnson had better hope there is no Hell, or Satan will already be sharpening up his fondue fork in anticipation of dunking him into a nice scalding vat of brimstone.

And after three weeks sleeping on a mattress on the floor, Diane's decided she's had a gutful of captivity and wants out. Lucas's latest crackers suggestion is that they exit this world in a sleeping-pill suicide pact. You crack on with that, Lucas mate, if you want to. But I think Diane would rather leave via the door.

Don't miss your FREE TV mag in Saturday's Record

CAPTION(S):

NIGHTMARE: Megan, Telka, Karagh, Liane and Amber WOMB IT CONCERNS: Faye, Linden MAD: The staff at scary Veridian CSI DALES: Forensics examine the grave
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jul 27, 2010
Words:796
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