Radio torture would soon halt crime wave.
AT the risk of making you think you've accidentally picked up the Daily Mail,do you agree that prisoners get it too easy?
Some of you have perhaps seen the email that's been doing the rounds which features four or five pictures of what appears to be the latest superduper seven-star hotel in Dubai.
Apparently, though, they're actually showroom-style snapshots of a brand new UK prison.
Actually, you know what? See whenever I hear all that "you should get the jail for that c*** you write in the paper" patter from taxi-drivers or total strangers in the street - and it happens about six or seven times a day - I tend to cross my fingers and think, "Chance would be a fine thing."
After all, I've always dreamed of having a plasma telly, all the latest computer games and a full-size snooker table.
And, at the risk of a bleaching from the missus, I'm willing to bet the food is much better than I get at home.
Earlier this week, it was announced the Prison Service in England and Wales is set to spend pounds 2million on a radio station for inmates - no jokes, please, about a captive audience.
It's a good idea, I suppose. But only if all the murderers, rapists and sex offenders were forced to listen to the following: Two hours of blubber-mouth Chris Moyles.
A daily dollop of folk music from Radio Two dinosaur Mike Harding.
An afternoon with Steve Wright and his whooping, sycophantic studio sidekicks.
And then wall-to-wall episodes of The Archers.
That would make them think twice about re-offending, eh?
Seriously, though, what sort of music will be broadcast on prison radio?
With entries to the usual email address, I'd love to hear your suggestions for a few suitable tunes.
To get the ball rolling, what about Please Release Me, Up On The Roof or I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now?
While we're on the subject of crime and punishment, under-fire Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill has insisted he's still serious about knife crime.
In fact, at last week's Burns Supper in Toronto, I hear he berated one of the organisers for using a fish knife to cut open the haggis.
One of my pals insists he'd rather be a VICTIM of knife crime than attend a Burns Supper.
While I don't necessarily share his opinion, I do think it's high time we paid tribute to other Great Scots.
What about a Sir Alexander Fleming Supper, where guests indulge in a mad sex orgy before someone pipes in the penicillin?
A Billy Connolly Supper would see guests sharing The Big Slipper and exchanging the Big Yin's funniest stories, but only after the Address To The Jobby.
Or perhaps you'd prefer a John Logie Baird Supper - that's where everyone stays at home and watches the telly.
Tell me, folks, who is your favourite Scot and how would we celebrate a night in his/her honour?
Needless to say, I doubt I'll receive any nominations for the Rangers fans who ran riot after last summer's UEFA Cup Final.
Greater Manchester Police have released CCTV footage of 47 wanted men and they want our help in tracking down the thugs who shamed Scotland.
Having seen their mugshots in yesterday's paper, I have some advice for the cops: Don't waste any time searching Scotland's universities...
How do they know the 47 offenders caught on camera are all Rangers fans?
When they lined-up against the police in Manchester, they started with just one man up front...