Presents of mind; it's holiday time again, and that means one thing-dyke drama.
As much as I wish I could get back the bucks I have spent on other peoples' nuptials, I do hope that by the time you read this our unions will not be outlawed. Better to be squeezed by our friends than robbed by out government. But enough of the gloom and doom. The holidays are about fun and nostalgia, giving thanks and getting presents.
Now anybody can be happy during the holiday when she has the perfect little partner at home to celebrate with. You know who you are, you two lovebirds by the fire, with your tiny tree and your ceramic mugs of fair-trade organic cocoa and your cats-wearing-reindeer-antlers and your special-order Christmas cards. Arrgghhh.
This here column is dedicated to the rest of the girls, who know it must be the holiday season because they are along again. And you don't have to believe in Jesus to be roughed up by the holidays. I know many a Jewish girl who has been infected with the Christmas blues. Watching other kids get presents and putting up with 50 channels of stupid holiday specials can exact a heavy toll on anyone's disposition. And no one is immune to the feelings of despair brought on by watching other people kiss, especially unattractive ones on New Year's Eve.
To get through this time of year without resorting to therapy or life wrecking debt, you need a plan. That's right-I don't think therapy is the answer to the holiday, blues. Before you spend you Xmas Club money on MFCC sessions, let me give you a little rundown about what she is going to tell you., You will start your session with a little background information about your family and how you spent your holidays as a child. Everything that follows will be tied to that first session. You will learn that your responses are normal and that negative emotions brought on by the holidays are manifestations of a) unfulfilled childhood promises or b) overly romaniticized memories of holidays past. She will prescribe a new view of this time of year, as just another month. She will encourage you to focus on other goals in life, such as education, charity or fitness. There, I just saved you a thousand bucks by telling you what you already knew but thought might help you if you had to pay to hear it. But now you know that it would not.
Want to really get away from holiday drama? Fly to an Israeli resort, where it is never Christmas, Or how about visiting your own island in Indonesia, where you can pretend it is July all month long? No kidding, does money buy happiness? Of course it does, But if you had money to burn, you wouldn't be looking for answers in a magazine. Sure, if you can afford to wash away you sorrows with imported bubbly on first-class flights with sexy, multilingual flight attendants who are willing to snuggle with you on way to Everywhere, then by all means get going. But if your finances dictate that you tough it out closer to home, then read on.
Your first defensive move is to load up that portable electronic device with horrible Christmas music. The worse, the better, Avoiding holiday tunes is impossible, so you must be ready to drown them out with your own carefully chosen selections. Hanson, Yanni, David Hasselhoff and Air Supply have all done holiday collections. Did you know that there is a star Wars Christmas Album? It is awful, and the perfect remedy for an overdose of nostalgia-loaded tunes. "Hung for the Holidays" sounds like gay men's porn, but it is Christmas music sung by William Hung. If you, like me, only know of one phrase sung by Haung, that is, "she bang," you will not doubt be disturbed by his vocal slayings--I mean stylings. What is your musical displeasure? Glam rock? Country? Punk? You can find it all, and most of it is so bad that the downloads are fee, Carry your horrible holiday selections everywhere with you: in the car, on the train, at work and especially in stores, where you are most vulnerable to attacks of holiday-induced blues.
Actually, I recommend avoiding department stores and grocery stores altogether until mid-January. December should be all about Asian takeout and liquor stores. If you simply must enter a store between Thanksgiving and New Yar's I suggest you employ the old medical examiners' trick of the trade and dab a small amount of mentholated rub under your nose. That way you will be immune to misery-inducing scents like bayberry, new leather, sugar cookies and pine.
Whatever you do, do not tell your fiends that you are having a hard time with the holidays. You think you got the blues now, just wait until they get through cheering you up. Part of the do-gooder's holiday merriment comes from helping those resplendent with less holiday cheer to experience the magic of the season.So you will be forced to buy new clothes and pretend that you are all aglow with the fellowship of the season. Nothing makes a girl more depressed than acting happy. Best to just bow out of one holiday event by claiming a previous commitment to another holiday event. your friends needn't know that your prior commitment is to stay at home biting the heads off gingerbread men while watching a holiday-themed slasher flick like Silent Night Deadly Night.
The best part of the holiday season is finding other desperate and lonely women. But beware of old girlfriends! Right around the beginning of December, even the worst ex can seem like the one that got away. Add a little chardonnay and you will find yourself asking her over in the middle of the night. Few things are as regrettable as yuletide sex with a nightmare ex--except trying to explain it to your friends.
No, to keep those seasonal blues at bay, you need an accommodating stranger. Loneliness and bad office Christmas parties drive women who normally are not suited to bars or casual sex into both. These Christmas refugees are easy to spot. They tend to be just a little overdressed and visibly self-conscious, because they are obviously out of their element. Sit right next to her and ask her about anything but the "C" word. Now should she bring up the topic, you must sit there in rapt silence and wait for the right moment to offer your comfort, You may at that point commiserate with about the evils of the season; however, do not overshadow her gloom. You are supposed to be her port in the storm. not her iceberg.
Shopping mall food courts, bookstores and cafes are also great places to find holiday woe-afflicted females. But beware of bummed-out straight girls who might led you on and let you hand out with them for a while, but then opt out an in inopportune time (like when you are naked with them) There ain't enough eggnog in the world to take the sting out of that kind of holiday humiliation.
If done correctly, placing yourself on that naughty list by having a sexual liaison with a fellow humbugger is bound to put you in better spirits. Go ahead and unwrap that new vagina. Take two--they're small. For those of you afraid of the empty felling that comes after a meaningless sexual encounter, I say there is no such thing as a meaningless sexual encounter. Just because it doesn't end with "I do" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Some women are for rolling around with, some are for dating and one is for marrying. The trick is to know who is who.
But if you really want to, you embark on an ill-advised romance with a woman who shared nothing with you but your despair over not finding true love during the holidays. Then you two can break up around the middle of February. Why settle for just a stinky Christmas and a sucky New Year's when you can have the dyke drama trifecta by ruining Valentine's Day as well?
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|Title Annotation:||Dyke Drama|
|Date:||Dec 1, 2008|
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