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Penis alert: how to deal with a dose of dick envy.

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick:

Help! My soft butch fiance, Jesse, is looking at penis pics on the internet and watching blowjob porn. I found out by looking at the history on my computer and was horrified. According to her, she's a total lesbian, but this is the second time I know of that she's done this. She has told me that she in no way, shape, or form wants to become a man, so it's not penis envy. What should I do?

--Jealous of the Jewels

Lipstick: You need not be threatened by any of this, babe. You're freaking out because you're making this all about you. Your ego is, like, "Whoa! I don't have a wiener, so she's going to leave me!" What you need to do is chill out. Sexuality is never wrong. It's not something one should feel shame about. It should be celebrated, no matter whose it is or what it looks like. And it's never cut and dry. We're all a little bisexual--even the butchest dyke, the nelliest queen, the straightest tobacco-chewing truck driver, or the most prudish missionary-style housewife. Getting turned on by a little peen is no big whoopie. Lots of lezzies, including yours truly, get off on seeing a little cockadoody or gay porn. Kinky is in!

Dipstick: Oh Lipstick, why is it that so many dykes are turned on by gay men getting off? I've never understood it.

Lipstick: Are you telling me you don't get a little woody when you see hot boy-on-boy action? I find that hard [ahem] to believe.

Dipstick: Once. But I was with a girlfriend. I'll never forget how assertive she became in the bedroom after watching two hairy wrestlers steam up the sauna. Regardless, like you, Lipstick, I do think the femme fiancee has nothing to fear. This butch babe is like most women--if they're honest--and is simply having a fantasy or two about what it would feel like to have a temporary appendage. Let Jesse indulge her fantasy in peace. Fiancee, now that you know she has this proclivity, I can think of an amazing honeymoon treat you can surprise her with...

Lipstick: Don't keep us hanging, Dip! Just because your girl doesn't want to transition, she still might be green-eyed with penis envy. Doesn't everyone wish they had a pork sword, even just for one night?

Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: I need some couples advice. Recently, my girlfriend Julie broke up with me. She said that she needed to do what was best for her. This was not the first time she'd broken up with me. The very next day after our previous break-up, I messed around with another girl. Julie came back and we have been trying to work through this: Both of us feel differently about the situation. I feel as though I was pushed away and, being that I was single, what I did was OK. She feels that if I truly loved her I wouldn't have been able to mess around with someone else. Am I the only one at fault here? What can we do to get past this?--We Were on a Break!

Dipstick: Lipstick, do you remember that Friends episode where Ross and Rachel have the same argument?

Lipstick: Totally! The one where uber-sensitive Ross, after Rachel tells him they need to take a break, gets drunk and sleeps with that cute copy girl?

Dipstick: That's the one. And insecure Rachel never let him forget it. Like Ross, you're not at fault here--you were taking a breather. What Julie needs to realize is that your fooling around with someone else was probably BECAUSE you were in love with her, not an indication that you weren't. You were dumped and you were looking for a distraction from your pain. People do it all the time. What concerns me most about this is how manipulative Julie is being and how she's not willing to take any responsibility for her own actions. She just wants to blame everything on you! Obviously, you can't undo what you did. Maybe, in hindsight, you'd have acted differently if you'd known she was going to take you back. I say, if Julie truly loved YOU, she would try to see your point of view on this and move on.

Lipstick: Preach, Dip! Julie dumped you, Breaker, don't forget that. It was rebound sex and you were looking for a little comfort, a little reassurance, a little heart salve. You don't tell us what YOUR chronic relationship issues are, but I assume that being dumped over and over again is becoming one of them. Julie needs to grow out of her insecurities and realize that she can't have you both ways.

Caption: Lipstick & Dipstick (in rear)

Caption: Dipstick

Do you have a burning question for Lipstick & Dipstick? Write to ask@lipstickdipstick.com

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Title Annotation:VIEW/LIPTSTICK+DIPSTICK
Publication:Curve
Article Type:Column
Geographic Code:1USA
Date:May 1, 2015
Words:817
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