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PREGNANT AND BROKEN.

There is a lot of emotional and psychological baggage we need to understand and acknowledge before we start questioning, "Why do women dump their babies?" or before saying, "Carry to full term and let the state takeover." Not all women have the emotional support during pregnancy, many are left stranded by partners, who actually "baby-dump" pregnancies and their responsibilities alike during the prenatal period, but are hardly held accountable. Her story is one of many.

My relationship was perfect right before I found out I was pregnant. My prince-charming would text good morning and goodnight every day, he checked up on me at random hours of the day and asked small things like, "Have you eaten?"

I smiled at the thought of him and every moment spent together was beautiful. He offered to carry my bag when we were walking, he held my hand throughout a movie or when we were just relaxing. I always had my head placed on his chest and he was all I could wish for, but that changed all of a sudden.

When I noticed that my period was late, I approached my boyfriend and informed him that I could be pregnant, if that was the case, I sort out his advice on our plans going forward as potential parents, and he told me that I would have to take the pill (abortion pill). In response I informed him that it was a decision I was not willing to undertake, but he responded that he was just scared and that we were in this together. I eventually did the test and it came out positive, I immediately sent him a text to let him know. He asked to see me but our encounter was filled with nothing but silence, and behold the next day he insisted again that I take the pill. He kept on telling me "We are in this together."

Weeks passed, the morning sickness kicked in and then I noticed that he started distancing himself, he was texting less until the day finally came when he told me he is no longer interested in me. I clearly remember him saying, "We were having something special but this whole transition of a baby coming in has changed how I totally feel about you." He made it sound like I am carrying someone else's child or as I woke up and was pregnant without his part like biblical Mary. He was breaking up with me because I was carrying his child, and I was caught in disbelief.

I am pregnant, emotional, devastated, broken, angry, and on some days I feel better but it is like a rollercoaster ride. He says he will love and support his child after I deliver, but the truth is I actually need him to be emotionally around now, I want to be able to talk to him every day, and I need him to be a part of this transition with me, because it is not easy going through it alone (after all I did not create it alone).

Imagine feeling neglected and having to be sick for days, having your whole body change, be over emotional with the hormonal surge and being told to be strong every day but you feel like strength is not something you have right now. You want to cry but then you are worried about your baby's well-being. The first trimester of my pregnancy has been a total stress test, and doctors told me to avoid the very stress, but I do not know how when I have a small growing constant reminder that I am in this alone.

Some days I feel like I should have just taken the pill but then I remind myself I did the right thing though it feels so wrong. Other days I feel like I am suffocating and on these days I have the worst of nausea and the thought of the baby daddy who is out there relaxed, thinking this is just a waiting process makes me want to break something or strangle someone.

The only thing that stops me from cutting myself or inducing any chemical that may be harmful is the thought of holding my baby one day in my arms, and that thought alone overwhelms me. I know that once the nine months have passed, I will have a beautiful one to raise and to love, one that will love me back unconditionally and admire me for choosing to get through this dark journey.

I am grateful for the few supportive people I have in my life because not all women are going to have supportive friends and family on their side to give them strength to carry on. This pressure of having to do it alone is smothering, it is a weight some fail to lift because pregnancy is not meant to be experienced alone, and that is why we have new born babies left in some corner, dumpsite or at times we even come across terminated foetuses. Behind all these scenes are broken mothers who are emotionally depleted, but society races to judge them. When mothers are being judged, who stops to ask, "Where are the fathers of these abandoned babies?" Neglecting a pregnant woman while knowing she is at the peak of her emotions is equivalent to neglecting the baby's well-being. A woman's health during pregnancy is what guarantees the life of the to-be-born. Stress often leads to a miscarriage, and it is almost impossible to avoid stress when tackling the pregnancy unaided, even for two it is a slight struggle.

Through my tears, prayers and the wonderful people around me I will go ahead and have this baby, I pray for my sisters who have it worse than me, I pray for their strength and healing because I am still trying to heal. I try to comfort myself through my own tears some days, which seems like most days now, I tell myself "he is not worth my tears", but that just makes me cry even more. Honestly If I did not have wonderful friends and family, my tears today would have been for an abortion I may have done.
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Publication:Sister Namibia
Date:Jan 1, 2019
Words:1032
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