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Ozzy rocks Formula one.

Byline: By Murray Morse

It was, without doubt, the TV highlight of the week. And it made up for the hours of mind numbing tedium that is Formula 1 racing.

There was smug Martin Brundle on the grid in Montreal thinking he'd got a scoop, as he cornered madcap rocker Ozzy Osbourne beside Michael Schumacher's Ferrari.

Out manoeuvring a burly minder, Brundle fired a question at bemused Ozzy, who took a good eight seconds to get his mouth out of neutral.

Unfortunately, he slammed it into reverse and answered a completely different question.

This threw Brundle off the racing line completely and, struggling to find first gear, he stalled with a lamentable: "Have you brought the dogs here?"

To which Ozzy left Brundle stranded on the grid with the brilliant: "No, they're all at home s**tting!"

"Excellent," says Brundle, his face longer than the finishing straight, realising his scoop had turned into a pooper scoop.

Cut to the studio, where presenter Jim Rosenthal sums up how smarmy Brundle crashed and burned with the prophetic summary: "That was probably Ozzy Osbourne's first and last appearance on Formula 1." Magnificent stuff!

Meanwhile, on C4 The Big Bruv rollercoaster has hit the buffers with a bang.

Let's face it, BB stands for b***dy boring, with a capital B!

The housemates are dull, the tasks are simplistic, the treats are predictable and the chickens are"no more.

For those of you lucky enough to have missed it, here is the story so far: twelve desperate dullards, remarkable only for being so ordinary, went into the BB house. They have daft names like Nush, Gross, Tania Do-Nut, Sissy, Fed-Ex and Tickle.

Anouska, a big boobed vamp and red-hot favourite to win, got voted out on week one, before having the chance to take up the tacky offer of pounds 50,000 for the first BB bonk. Justine Nose Job and Sissy Cry Baby Scouser were also kicked out.

Gross and Steph, a chef and a thick Brummie respectively, have welded themselves to the oven where they cook and eat everything. The other housemates spend their time in a pedalo, pitching tents, dressing up as boy scouts and ringing bells. Fred cocks up every task and slags off Geordie women so that now, instead of just being hated in Glasgow, he's hated by Geordie women around the world and 13 million TV viewers. In the background is Cameron, the Orkney Islander. He likes watching women in the bath and bashing the Bible. And then there's Ray, who just likes bashing.

Sorry, I nodded off there.

What BB needs, and I never thought I'd say this, is another thick bint like Jade, who would get drunk, make the most ridiculous remarks and take her clothes off at the opening of a can of beer despite being built like a hippo.

You've got to feel for Coronation Street's love-sick corner shop tycoon Dev.

There he is, on bended knee, asking Sunita (and her nose) to marry him. And what happens? Yup, in walks Keith Duffy from Boyzone, and steals the moment. What are the chances of that, eh?

And I can confirm that Weatherfield police have been called in to the hunt the barber responsible for Steve McDonald's haircut. He is thought to be a serial attacker, who also savaged EastEnder Ian Beale's barnet. Talking of which, they ought to put out an APB on Beale who hasn't been seen in Albert Square for weeks - although it has brought some small relief for viewers.

At last, Emmerdale is playing to its two strengths - Amy Nuttall.

The stunning redhead got her claws into slow-on-the-uptake Syd this week, seducing him for at least three episodes. He eventually cottoned on that she was up for it when she swung naked from the Wool Pack's pub sign with a big notice stating: "Give it to me big boy!"

And while his girlfriend was working up a sweat with his best pal, Scott was worried about: "Getting done for assaulting a schizophrenic lesbian". Only in soap land"

However did ITN news veteran Sandy Gall manage to keep a straight face all those years ago when he quizzed Camilla's husband, Andrew Parker Bowles, about Prince Charles, asking: "He's a good rider, isn't he?"

If Parker Bowles, poor chap, didn't realise his wife was cheating on him with the future King, maybe he should have had a chat with Camilla's groom, um, I mean hairdresser.

He explained during Five's documentary, Camilla - The Uncrowned Queen , how "Charles and Camilla are so compatible", adding: "They both love gardening, they both love painting and they both love riding""

Yes, and they also share a love of equestrian events.

Carol Vorderman was on Five this week presenting Are You Telepathic? How did we all know she'd ask that?

Don't miss Bernard's Bombay Dream on Thursday, C4. Comedian Bernard Manning goes to India - source of many of his gags. Should be a hoot.

I see from the TV news the prison authorities say they are releasing cheating liar Jeffrey Archer from jail early because he's "no longer a danger to the public". They obviously haven't read any of his novels.

And finally, Harry Potter books worth pounds 1 million were nicked earlier this week. Where from? Merseyside of course. The Scousers couldn't wait to get their hands on some more culture"

TURN ON

Wimbledon - New balls please!

TURN OFF

Big Bruv - I'll let you know if anything happens.

TURN OVER

BBC1's The Trouble With Sleep - Yawn.

BIG BRUV - THE CAST (OFFS)

Cameron Stout - Bible bashing islander with a ridiculous accent.

Ray - A rank outsider. No, rank with an R.

Jon Tickle - Vulcan who swallowed a dictionary.

Gross - The chef. He will survive to the end because no one else knows what an oven is.

Nush - Has a chip on her tooth - whereas Sissy has a chip on her shoulder.

Sissy - Loud-mouthed Scouser who cries a lot.

Tania Do-Nut - Shop girl.

Scott - Cultured Scouser (one of millions).

Steph - As interesting as Birmingham's spaghetti junction.

Federico - Dismal Weegy (Glaswegian) who, according to Tania, has a little willy.

Anouska - Set to marry herself after a lifelong love affair with her own reflection.

Justine - Just out.

DOG'S LIFE Ozzy Osbourne on the F1 start grid with Ferrari chief Jean Todt before he put his foot in it with Martin Brundle
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Article Details
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Evening Chronicle (Newcastle, England)
Date:Jun 21, 2003
Words:1058
Previous Article:Family view.
Next Article:It's playtime!


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