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Off to the library. (Off the Map).

If Chicago is the City of Big Shoulders, then Rockford has to be the City of Massive Thighs.

Poor Trent Lott. Those damn Democrats laid into him like a pack of hopped up Chihuahuas on a stray Snausage snack simply for saying out loud what he's fervently believed for fifty-four years. And no one seemed to listen when he apologized seven times. Of course, it was hard to understand the first six because they were muffled by his hood. But this was serious. So serious, Bush was forced to weigh in: "There's no room in the Republican Party for racists." Gosh, I knew there were a lot of them, but I didn't think all the slots were full.

* San Francisco, California, where the exhaust from the bongs is visible all the way to Reno.

Some outspoken opponents of the Clinton Administration (and aren't those pesky Clinton critics the persistent ones!) have announced their intention to open their own version of a Little Rock Presidential Library honoring, or shall we say dishonoring, the forty-second commander-in-chief. Included in the plans are rooms such as the Hillary Hall of Shame, Pardons for Dollars, and the National Insecurity Hall. If a blue-knit dress from the Gap doesn't make an appearance, each and every one of you will receive a buck from me. In a statement obviously designed to be read with increasing stridency, Richard Erickson, a Houston businessman and one of the partners behind the "Counter Clinton Library," claims "this isn't a personal vendetta against Clinton at all.... What we want to do here is Tell the Truth About What They Did in the White House and Their Whole Public Careers, and Try to Defuse Them, and STOP HER FROM BEING PRESIDENT IN SIX YEARS." I assume it's all a cute little hoax, but then again, I hope not. Because this puts all the other Presidential libraries in play:

The Counter Kennedy Library, featuring the Marilyn Monroe Spanking Closet.

The Counter Johnson Library: Have fun listening to years of examples of LBJ mispronouncing the word "Negro."

The Counter Nixon Library, replete with a hands-on exhibit in the Stretch Room, where the visitor may attempt to imitate the gymnastics of Rosemary Woods accidentally erasing eighteen and a half minutes of tape.

The Counter Ford Library: Receive a free WIN button upon entering, and enjoy the Whack-A-Kissinger. Laugh riotously as Henry unexpectedly pops in and out of different diplomatic holes as you try to pound him.

The Counter Carter Library: Take a dark ride on the same boat in which Jimmy encountered a killer rabbit.

The Counter Reagan Library, where you can play Beat the Press, a gameshow where you explain how ketchup is a vegetable and why trees cause pollution.

The Counter Bush I Library, with its animatronic diorama where you get to throw up on the Japanese prime minister.

* Waikaloa, Big Island, Hawaii, where anxiety seems further away, and the sun much closer, and the possibility of world peace almost within reach. Of course they got chigger mites the size of dinner plates here. And lots of jackhammers in paradise. Who'd a thunk it?

Will Durst would like to sincerely thank the following people whose recent actions have provided invaluable service to his brand of political satire:

Young Female Bushes--Jenna, Barbie, Nicole. Too bad they're not young female Clintons, because then we'd get to hear them disparaged as sluts and whores on talk radio. Have you heard one word on how their actions reflect failed policies from the '60s? I thought not.

Tony Blair--Because everyone needs a lackey to carry the heavy stuff, even Dubya.

Tom DeLay--Wants to scuttle the "Innocence Protection Act," which would prevent premature destruction of DNA evidence in death penalty cases. Can't be mucking up a good hanging with some liberal bull crap like innocence, now can we?

Eminem--The guy has the comedic range of an end table.

Hootie Johnson--Chairman of the Augusta National Golf Club, a man who, through sheer force of will, is single-handedly keeping the eighteenth century alive.

Will Durst is a comedian with a decidedly ornery attitude.
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Author:Durst, Will
Publication:The Progressive
Article Type:Editorial
Date:Feb 1, 2003
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