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Off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

A SURVEY carried out by Age Concern suggests that we may be more paranoid than you might have believed.

It seems that more and more people are asking to be buried with their mobile phones, the theory being, apparently, that people are terrified they'll wake up in the coffin, so they want their moby with them so they can ring for help.

Don't bother, folks. You may remember the case of the world's unluckiest man - Hassan Enneeluckataw - who contracted myxomatosis from a rabbit's foot. He awoke after a week-long coma, to find himself pronounced dead and buried in his coffin. His first instinct was to scream, as you would, but no-one could hear him with the lid screwed down and six feet of newly-turned earth on top of him.

Then he remembered about his mobile phone. With aching, creaking, stiff limbs, he wriggled and squirmed and after an agonising four hours, managed to reach in his trouser pocket and pull out his Motorola, to make the life-saving call.

Couldn't get a signal.

Still, some people seem to be unclear on the concept. We hear David Beckham wants to be cremated with his phone

IT'S been pointed out before that Alex McLeish bears an uncanny likeness to David Caruso, who used to star in NYPD True Blue. What's strange, though, is that Caruso now appears in CSI Miami... didn't Rangers just get knocked out of the CSI Cup

THE next big thing: biodegradable socks, made from fibre derived from corn. A consortium are testing the market in Japan, where they will cost 20 per cent more than normal ones, but "they have all the benefits of synthetic fibres while being earth friendly," says the blurb.

We worry, though, that all this science tampering with nature could end in tears. Can't help thinking that if you're going to make socks out of corn, you might end up with smelly ears

MORE money names that celebs might want to adopt in the style of 50 Cent and Three Quid: Steve Kirwan of Luton suggests Half a Dollar for David Van Day, and Franc Goes to Hollywood for Holly Johnson.

More soon

IF you're planning a trip to Hollywood any time soon, best stay clear of Antonio Banderas' house. The actor has the original sword from The Mask Of Zorro in his house, saying he feels more secure knowing it's there if he needs it.

He added: "Even though we filmed the first Zorro nine years ago, I kept the sword. I won't say where I keep it, but it's in a strategic spot in my home. I pity the intruder who shows up at my house!"

We fear he's asking for trouble. Even in California, you're not allowed to slash a "Z" into the cheek of a burglar

JUST a thought, but we note that the people behind ITV's answer to Doctor Who are seeking "a dashing man in his 40s" to play the human time traveller. We could put them in touch with a certain T. Blair of London who would dearly love to go back five years or so
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Nov 11, 2005
Words:522
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