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Off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

THERE has been a further twist to the Record's exclusive about EastEnders allegedly stealing plots from River City.

They've now been accused of stealing actors from The Woodentops.

SIR Ian McKellen is reported to have been signed up to provide the voice for Zebedee in the movie version of The Magic Roundabout.Which will come as a major disappointment to Sven Goran Eriksson, who's been rehearsing that 'Time for bed' line for months now.

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger, inspired by the success of the Thunderbirds movie, has extracted aheavy price from Dubya in return for his help with the Bush-Cheney campaign.He's making him do the publicity for Joe 90:The Movie.

LEAST believable survey of the week so far: one in four doctors say they would be listed as psychiatric cases if they were seen by a mental health specialist.Which means that three out of four doctors reckon they're perfectly sane. Aye, right. Tell that to a handwriting expert.

VODAFONE have announced they have signed up David Beckham for a new one-year deal, reputed to be worthpounds 6m.Shareholders shouldn't fret,though:we hear he's agreed to take his fee in free texts.

LOTHIAN and Borders Police this week handed out cans of Red Bull to keep tired drivers awake as part of a new road safety campaign. All very laudable, but they have now found an easier way to make sure motorists don't doze off.

You'll be required to play a new cassette they're issuing - - Mr Blobby and the Cheeky Girls: Live at the Albert Hall.You'll never, ever sleep again.

JEAN-CLAUDE cursed his luck. What were the odds against being drawn against Uri Geller?

CIVIL servants at Holyrood are reported to be staging a mock debate tomorrow - subject - were the Bay City Rollers better than Abba? - in order to test the acoustics in the new Parliament building.Coming next: is salt and sauce better than salt and vinegar?Was Chic Murray funnier than Billy Connolly? Isn't it time they stopped messing about with flavours of Kit-Kat?

Oops, hangon - - turned over two pages of notes there.That's actually the agenda for the Lib Dems' autumn conference.

POLICE are hopeful of making an early arrest as they investigate the theft of the dry ski slope from the North Staffordshire Ski Centre.

Number one suspect is that guy who rang Ground Force asking whathe could do with his 300ft sloping back garden.

FRENETIC activity in the Jodie Marsh household yesterday, until it was pointed out to her she'd misheard the results of that survey. It's normal to have ten lovers by the TIME you're 30. Not by 9.30.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Aug 19, 2004
Words:442
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