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Off the Record.


IF the sneak preview we had yesterday of the Blue Moxx is anything to go by, the villains in the new version of Dr Who look like they're going to be a bit more menacing than the overgrown pepperpots and extras wearing upturned buckets wrapped in tinfoil that the Time Lord used to battle in the Sixties and Seventies. And there's more.We know how sensitive the BBC are about Dr Who leaks, so let's just say the following list of forthcoming evil baddies is just informed speculation:

#The Teekay Moxx - Like the above, only wearing last year's fashions.

#The Dohleks - Similar to the Daleks,but not as intelligent.They have a fatal weakness for doughnuts and duff beer.

#The Roonians - Stocky, bull-necked aliens with an insatiable appetite for cheeseburgers. Doomed to die out since the females tend to be beyond breeding age.

#The Cydermen - - Crazed monsters from the English West Country. Weapon of choice is the Strongbow.

#The Jehovial Witnesses - A creepy breed whose mission is to drive humanity crazy by turning upon their doorsteps and being infuriatingly cheerful despite the fact they've dragged you away from the footie on the telly.

#The Eltonjonians - Manic,vertically-challenge beings that regard all authority figures as vile pigs and go around chanting 'Exfoliate, exfoliate'.

If you think you know any more, send them in. Prizes available.

J-LO is said to be delighted with a nude picture of her painted by husband Marc Anthony which apparently makes a feature of her backside. Evidently it's a mural.

THE Japanese equivalent of the CBI are calling for an end to the decades-old ban on women working in mines. Mistake.The first woman to go down a mineshaft is a cert to run her finger along the coal seam and mutter: 'My God, look at the dust on that.What have you been doing all these years?'

SANDRA BULLOCK has a beauty tip you may or may not want to follow - - she uses haemorrhoid cream on her face.She's quoted as saying: 'It was the most pertinent secret I learned in this job.Bottom cream really does help against wrinkles.' We would like to meet the individual who gave her this advice.After all, with friends like that, who needs enemas?

AT last, scientific research that's actually of benefit to humanity. Let's hear it for the boffins at Dartmouth College in New England who have pinpointed the part of the brain which remembers catchy tunes - the guilty party is something called the auditory cortex, which handles information from the ears, and which latches onto melodies and won't let the damn things go.

This, at last, proves something which we'd long suspected - that anyone still humming Katie Bloody Melua's The Closest Thing To Crazy ... aaargh stop it ..! can be cured with a straightforward lobotomy.

CONGRATULATIONS to Lord Of The Rings actor Sir Ian McKellen, who's fulfilled a life-long ambition by landing a part in Coronation Street. We're told that on the first day of filming, he ran into Janice Battersby and was heard to say: 'Hey, this is becoming a hobbit.'
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Mar 11, 2005
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