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Off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

SO Dirty Den has single-handedly done the dirty on the cast of EastEnders, in a manner of speaking.

He was less than flattering about his colleagues in his webcam 'I'm an Equity member' performance, memorably calling Jessie Wallace 'a vile dog', Shane Richie 'big-headed and self-infatuated', Sam Metcalfe 'thick as a 'block of wood', while the rest of the Albert Square mob were dismissed as 'mad as hatters'.

We can't help feeling the quality of his insults could be improved, however. He should bone up on the output of Groundskeeper Willie ofThe Simpsons, whose putdowns include:

You bath-taking, underpants-wearing lily-hugger.

Ach! Back to the loch with ye, Nessie!

Ye Croquet-Playin' Mint-Muncher.

Ya blouse-wearing poodle walker.

Mind you, the American comedienne Joan Rivers isn't bad either. She said of Elizabeth Taylor: 'She's so fat she puts butter on an aspirin', while Madonna was described as 'so hairy, when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit'.

The most picturesque putdown award, though, goes to old--time Western star Will Rogers, who described an actress as 'so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oatbin'.

Any, send in your favourite (printable) insult. Prizes for the best.

THE Record's story yesterday about pubs serving non-alcoholic 'mocktails' to get a safe-drinking message across had us wondering about what safe drinks might be on offer. Anyone fancy a Harmless Cuddle on the Beach? How about a Slow Comfortable Piece of Blu-tac? Or a Harvey Wallbrusher,or a Deary-Deary Mary?Better still, just drink English beer.

WE have 60 new members of the Lucky White Heather Club those on board a pleasure barge in Lake Travis, Texas, who rushed to the side of the vessel hoping to catch a glimpse of sunbathers on a nudist beach named Hippie Hollow. Because they all had the same thought at the same time, the barge capsized and dumped them all in the lake. Two were taken to hospital with minor injuries, the rest went home with bruised egos.

STATISTIC of the week: flowerpots cause 5300 accidents a year, second only to lawnmowers in the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents' list of the 10 most dangerous items of garden equipment.It'll bedue to the number of drunks toppling over trying to find the spare key.

WE see that English Premiership footballers have been signed up for a scheme aimed at encouraging families to read their favourite books. David Weir, of Everton and infamously formerly of Scotland, has chosen The Godfather by Mario Puzo. Former England striker Les Ferdinand went for Nelson Mandela's autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom, while Middlesborough's Colin Cooper selected 1984 by George Orwell. Blackburn's Barry Ferguson, we hear, is still trying to decide which Mr Men book gets his vote.

SILLY thought for today: We'd love producer Damon Dash to sign up EastEnders' June Brown and new snooker hero Graeme Dott. Then he could set up a company, Dot-Dott-Dash dotcom.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:May 4, 2004
Words:497
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