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Off The Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

HOWDY. Here's hoping the bluebird of happiness is chirping at your bird table, not crapping on your washing. We're feeling a little bit country today. The good news is that Scotland's very own country music station, Continuous Cool Country an offshoot of Radio Clyde is to go UK--wide when it launches on Freeview in the autumn.Until now it's only been available on digital radio and the internet, which means the joys of C&W will reach the wider audience it deserves.

We don't know what will beon the playlist of 3C, as it's known,come the autumn.But we'd like to offer some suggestions.These are all genuine Country songs that have been recorded:

Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas (I Don't Want To See My Mommy Cry) l When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield of Life

My Head Hurts,MyFeet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

We're working on a newone at the moment. Provisional title is He Stopped Grinning When His Golden Balls Crumpled.

IT SEEMS that doctors could soon be using text messaging to check on their patients.

Researchers in Milan are working on software that will allow GPs to send questions to recovering patients' mobiles using internet-linked software. Patients will then text their answers back.

This may not be such a great idea.We can imagine this exchange: GP:HowRU2day? Patient: :0( GP:RU in pain? Patient:yS itz mybak GP:RU taking NEthing? Patient:AspRn.Youll nEd2sgnme off doc . GP:Oh,sohow iz it I cn C U n d doorway of dpub? Patient:Oh **!!@**!!

IT'S a shame that Gordon Ramsay isn't going to be in pantomime after all. The audition was going so well, too. That is, until the part when the kids shouted out 'Oh no, he isn't'. He got into this really heavy argument, apparently.

UEFA's official Euro 2004 website is proving popular with footie fans across the continent. More than 120,000 wannabe soccer coaches have registered teams on the site's very own Fantasy Football league based on the current tournament. In the lead yesterday wasEva Larsson, from Sweden, with 99 points. She prefers the 4-4-2 formation and has six of Sweden's players in her dream team, with Henrik Larsson as captain.

Coincidence, surely, that Henrik's mum is called Eva.

BRITISH drug firm Vectura is to float on the London Stock Market after inventing a Viagra alternative in an inhaler - which produces results within eight minutes.Trials have been going really well,apart from that unfortunate incident when one chap mistook it for his breath freshener just before going into a job interview.

RICHARD was regretting snapping at his wife and telling her to get out and walk.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jun 16, 2004
Words:486
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