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OH PUT A SOCK IN IT, PERFECT PALTROW.

THIS column is turning into a weekly excuse to bash Gwyneth Paltrow. Less 'the views behind the news' and more 'she's a pain and if I ever actually meet her I'm giving her a wedgie'.

But hey, if she wasn't so annoying, I wouldn't have to slag her off all the time.

This week Gwyn decided to lecture us on how to be sexy.

That's right. It's not enough that she already tells us how to eat, raise our children and even when to cry (hardly ever, it turns out), now she wants to instruct us on how to please our men, with her Valentine's Day sex tips.

Now, leaving out the fact that Gywneth is about as sexy and appealing as a Monster Munch smothered in toothpaste, the tips themselves were rubbish.

All about making paper hearts and bringing feathers into the bedroom.

Feathers. I mean, no offence Gwyneth but if feathers really got me warm I'd just break down and do it with a chicken.

She really does make me want to whack her with a blunt instrument.

At least in prison I'd be unlikely to be subjected to her constant, unending plans to fix my perfectly grand life.
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Title Annotation:Features; Opinion, Column
Publication:Sunday Mirror (London, England)
Date:Feb 12, 2012
Words:201
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