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Not my choice for gong.

Byline: CARL GILLESPIE

THIS week brought us the Oscars, with Matthew McConaughey and Co cleaning up with Dallas Buyers Club.

After which, McConaughey went on to give a speech so repugnantly smug, even George Clooney almost shuddered (if you don't get the reference, search YouTube for Clooney's Oscar acceptance speech - it's cringetastic.) Like many people, I was hoping Leonardo DiCaprio (named after my favourite Ninja Turtle, just like the painter), would finally get an Oscar victory, but sadly not - although with his character surviving almost drowning at sea in The Wolf of Wall Street, it was nice to see him get wet and still be alive by the end credits.

It might sound like an odd victory, but considering the last two films I've seen him in were Titanic and The Great Gatsby, Leo's resistance to water is about as impressive as when I dropped my iPhone down the toilet.

The biggest achievement, though, would have to go Benedict Cumberbatch for photobombing U2 while on the red carpet.

That's surely when rock stars know they've lost their "cool" - when you've got Sherlock Holmes ruining your potential new Facebook profile pic.

But it wasn't a great week for everyone - especially Piers Morgan, whose US talk show has been cancelled due to poor ratings.

I did wonder if he was told the news in person, or if he heard it first on a voicemail...

Still, I'm sure that even in this difficult social climate, he could find work in the tabloid industry. For example, my local shop's been looking for a new paper boy.

Or he could always ring Simon Cowell and ask for his old job back on the next series of Britain's Got Talent.

Not the best of options I admit, as it's always awkard going back to your old place of work.

That and asking Piers Morgan to judge a talent show would be like if someone had asked Linda McCartney for directions to a good steak house.

But I'm sure Simon Cowell, as a new dad, would have his hands too full to deal with Morgan anyway.

After all the screaming, tears and wailing - he'd cave and give Morgan his job back.

Plus we know Simon's a big softy with charity; he wheels Sinitta out at least once a year for a pay day, bless her.

Each year on X Factor, the acts seem to get younger and younger - and fewer and fewer of the contestants remember what Sinitta was actually famous for.

And the viewers come to think of it (I did honestly have to use Google to remind myself ). Like most people with too much time on their hands, I do use Twitter - usually to remind myself of things I have forgotten eg "#RanOutofMilkGoToASDA" "#YOLO".

But sometimes, friends send me things - and one thing I love is terrible Star Wars jokes. Here's one of mine and if you can do a better/worse one, let me know and I might even stea...er, print it.

"Sometimes I keep my Darth Vader night light beside my bed, just in case it's a little on the Dark Side." #NoRegrets Catch me tonight at the Rib Ticklers Comedy Club at Flix Movie Cafe, Hartlepool, with headliner Seymour Mace (from TV's Ideal and Hebburn). It starts at 8pm. Tickets are PS5.
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Publication:Evening Gazette (Middlesbrough, England)
Date:Mar 7, 2014
Words:551
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