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No sweat! It's the secret of my success.


NO doubt there are a few Mercury readers curious about how I bagged my very own newspaper column.

Ah, who am I kidding? Every single one of you wants to know how I managed it.

If the letters, e-mails and packages of dog poo delivered to me in the post are anything to go by, most of you think I'm nothing more than a deranged drivel merchant.

Well, folks, I can now exclusively reveal the secret of my success, though you may have spotted it already.

The reason you're forced to put up with me is because of the picture at the top of this page.

You've got to admit, I'm a dashed handsome fella; a sizzling smorgasbord, displaying a fine selection of features, last seen on George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp.

I'm a looker, alright - and looks mean success.

Or maybe you thought talent and hard work were more important than cheekbones, dimples and eyelashes? Get a life.

If no-one cares about looks, why was the world shocked when Susan Boyle stood up in front of the TV cameras and belted out a tune from Les Miserables? The Britain's Got Talent contestant isn't the best warbler in the world, but most people reacted as if she was in possession of all the notes of a grand piano - instead of merely owning the legs of one.

Susan has now had a make-over, with her grey hair dyed brown..

Unfortunately, it's done as much good as if the Captain of the Titanic had sprinkled a pinch of salt on the iceberg bearing down on his ship.

The bulky lass needs more than a hairdo - grouting and Artex would be a start.

Yet she's popular.

That's entirely due to the fact that people were stunned to discover that a plain, middle-aged woman could be in possession of any talent whatsoever.

Surely that's not allowed, right? It's not just in the world of popular music and reality TV where looks equal success.

Exciting When Barack Obama became President, his victory was hailed as an exciting new chapter in America's history, because his father was black.

But although his skin is a shade darker than previous incumbents of the White House, Obama is really just another example of the same-old sameold.

One more handsome dude seizing the reins of power.

More important than his pigmentation is the alignment of his features.

Obama may have some African roots, but as far as I'm concerned, he belongs to the same race as JFK and Bill Clinton.

The President was recently asked by a journalist if he had perspired much during a gym workout.

"Do I look like I sweat?" scoffed

Gordon Brown is a sweater - did you catch his squirming performance on his website? He reminded me of Houdini. Only the escape artist was famous for breaking free of chains and padlocks - Brown was attempting to extricate himself from his own skin.

Sir Alan Sugar is also a Sweater. No matter how much money, power and chin hair he accumulates, Sugar still looks like one of those toy trolls from the 70s, or a thumb that has puffed and shrivelled after two many hours in a bubble bath.

I've also noticed that the workers he hires on The Apprentice don't belong to his own race of Sweaters.

Sir Alan opts for the plush poppets or gym-sculpted hunks instead of the hard-graft shmucks who can do the job..

I'm not saying pug uglies are always forced to fumble with foot-stools, while the Betters clamber up the ladder of success.

Brown and Sugar have made an impact - for good or ill.

But they have to try so much harder than the Blairs, Baracks and luscious Lornes of this world.

They also need luck.

Cigar-suckin' Sweater Winston Churchill required the helpful collision of a dope named Neville and a psychopathic toothbrush moustache to gain the power he craved.

So this is my advice to you, dear readers.

Get down to the Boots make-up counter, or hire the services of a reputable plastic surgeon - then you, too, can have a spiffy little column in an awar4dwinning Sunday newspaper..


Obama. No further answer was needed. There are only two groups of people in the world. Not black and white, or male and female. All of humanity can be broken down into the Sweaters and the Betters.
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Publication:Sunday Mercury (Birmingham, England)
Date:Apr 26, 2009
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