Eightballing lawyer holds court, recollects Baby-breaking Boa Case. Dateline: moving day, Anytown, USA. Six-foot pet's disappearance commandeered otherwise-preoccupied movers. Hierlings' herpetophobia, packbubbled underbrush, time-pressured itinerary mitigated against searched thoroughness. Rushed exiters haphazardly canvassed crannies, attic, cellar, closets, snake-friendly nooks. Cage-slipping reptile unfound, decampers relocated. Newlyweds arrived. Dreamhoused copulations eventually impregnated wife, engineered nightmarish litigations outgrowing embrangled sequence ensuing classic catastrophe: hugely pregnant woman putters happily stirring soup, whereupon fumely resuscitated appetites release ceiling light's encircler. Kerplop! Divebombing serpent causes miscarriage.
George, shaving at a public bathhouse, is joined in this activity by a better-dressed patron. .Ah, he thinks, here's a way to upgrade my wardrobe:
Sharply nicked blood-brothers negotiate fragile truce. Parasexual vulgarizations imprecate confessional airing toward engaging bipartisan satisfying pacts. Dirtier outfitted, clean-shaved brother poses perversely non-intergenderal crossdressing idea, id est, shavers'd swap clothes, underpants-to-outerwear.
Scantily pausing, similar-sized dudes don each other's skivvied personality, armpitted empathy, colorscheme patchworked quilty pleasures. Sweaty redolence exudes pheromones laundered cloth lacks? Eager vigorousness animates otherwise-civilized habitual bathgoer. Antistriptease caricatures lusty quavering rapture. Piece-by-piece, sleaze enslimes goosepimpled ecstasy; snappy dresser's latent cologne subsumes slob's trenchant odors, rendering glueplant aroma cultivations free-associating carcass blooming peeyootunias.
Stolid, sterile-fibered businesswear's cotton Oxford shirt, drycleaned slacks, snakeleather belt, cowskin wingtips, off-white boxer shorts, off-black hose tingle alienating agitations. Crablice, allergic reactions, homophobic cooties interweave finer threaded fashions? Larceny's incipient accomplishment unnerves.
Surreptitious breakneck zippering outpaces clothespin-pal's languidly delectable one-leg-at-a-time pantlegging. Tantalizingly moldy triple-E Thom McCan "winos" foot-fetishize wallower's degradational completeness; freshly shined D-width straitlace streetshoes imperil stealer's transdressional heist. Quadruplecrossed toeholds impact podlike feet. Walking's impractical; nonwalking's unacceptable.
Still-writhing ecstasizer doesn't notice pickpocket strolling awaywardly, wallet enclosed.
Examining the man's wallet, George decides on a new name, Terrence Rafferty. But it contains only three dollars, necessitating a visit to an Army-Navy store to procure more comfortable footwear. As he enters, he is sent sprawling by a fleeing shoplifter. The proprietor, former Master Sergeant Stanley Sinkiewitz, fearing a lawsuit, offers him various free merchandise, but Terrence wangles a job instead.
Simpleton orientation indoctrinates procedures. Operating cash register (tax-evasive skimming unmentioned), S.S. puritanically pleads accounting's Methodism requires keeping tapeless totals. "Free-sovereign" declarations secede; cutting nationalistic fiduciary IRS-tied "indentured servitudes" inform retired NCO's commentary co-explicating unusual bookkept practices. Allegedly "robbery-preventive" strongbox receives unrecorded receipts.
Duty commences. Two smallbacked perches enroost catbird sitters focally centered withal convex corner-posed looking glasses refracted floor-to-ceiling-to-counter ...
Armory show-quality inventory's dummy gunnery Zippos, defused grenades, megacaliber shell ashtrays, firingpinless Tommyguns, stens, Mausers, Manlichers, M-series riflery artistically state war's thematic continuity. Loosely war-related items (bivouac equipment, mainly) assault senses: snakebite suctioncups, sewer purifier tablets, icefishing tackle, bedrolls, tarpaulins, trampolines, roundball slammajammas (8-foot hoops), ABA-style (patriotically colored) basketballs, Uecker-endorsed softball bats, tetherball maypoles, odd-ended 2-wheeler componetry (28" spokes, non-metric spindles, freewheel cogpullers, odometers), X-C ski-skates, C-rations, porta-shovels, portosans, female-adaptable urinary appendages, tent-size trousers, trouser-pack tents, amber insect tomb keyrings, quartz ID-kits, novelty micecubes, Groucho-style x-ray specs, vacupac spam-carved maggot farms, Armour Star Cookbooks Vols. XIII-XIX, claymore mindreading palmleaf teacups, Sherman tankards, saltpeter, WWII-era pin-ups, CO2 cartridges, dogfighter modelsets, elephant glues, squid-flavored inkstain gums ...
Terrence is shanghaied aboard a yacht by drug dealers and ends up in their secret lair on the Washington coast. However, he manages to escape from them with a complaisant doxy, Hannabelle Trexler, They decide it would be prudent to change their names to Matthew Peretz and Margarite Youngblood, and decamp to Mexico, financing the trip through petty larceny."
Matteo/Margarita emigrated Estados Unidos toting coined moneybags: sacks bundling small-billed big-change conversion totaling $16,574.25. Lowtech coinslot buggering screw-drove wrenched Laundromat strongboxes, sodapop dispensers, newspapers' vendomatics, parking's metered plenitude. Intensive caretaking hospitably monitored arrestment authority's side-effectiveness counterindicating pettily self-administered proactive mendications. Proscribed cautionary doses, everlastingly repeatable, counseled moderated (negligible) amount-taking; nickling/diming, immediately perceivable, demurred. Longview's Warren beavertowns meagerly outskirted Multnomah's richer tenderloin. Immoderate midcity pry-by-night crowbarring gouged pawns' ransom, multipically. Salem's, Eugene's, Roseburg's Greyhound-stopping destinations handed outgone grabbed smashes presupposing Frisco's golden-stated Fargowellian bonanza. Southbay metropolises anteed mintfresh pots, folded; unseen bluffers bumped, ran (rambler gambler metaphor sinks: subway turnstile slotsuckers legitimately represent meter-eater ancestors). Densening populaces, overburdened coffers hastened retirement's hasta luego. Disemboweling pilfered meters, piggybanks, etslotera became dangerously high-profile ...
The last half of the book details their adventures in Mexico, culminating in a forty-page description of racetrack shenanigans punctuated by an insurrection!
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|Date:||Aug 1, 2003|
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