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NASTROLOGY; Horrorscope that reveals the dark & dangerous side of your personality.

Byline: SASHA MANSWORTH

FED up with all the tired astrology books that paint all the signs of the zodiac in a glowing light?

Deep down there are some unpleasant aspects to all our personalities.

Now here's your chance to discover the truth about the other signs and all their dirty, dark little secrets.

In his new book, Nasty Astrology, Richard MacDonald unearths the hidden demons that lurk in other people's psyches.

What dark truths are there about your pals' personalities and what makes your boss tick?

Find out about their real character, the person behind closed doors, the bits they never let you see.

And if you are brave enough check out the nasty vices of your own star sign. Did you know that caring Cancerians are in reality clingy bunny boilers bordering on madness? And scary Scorpios are cruel and make good assassins? Devious Geminis have no morals and will do anything to stay on top?

And you'd better choose your partner with care. Falling in love with a Capricorn is like falling in love with a rhinoceros - heavy, grey and horny.

Delve into the alternative guide to all things astro...

TAURUS

April 21-May 21

TAUREANS like to appear as experts in food and drink.

This is just a cover - in reality they're gluttons and drunks.

They are greedy and quick to lose their temper. They like to throw tantrums and get their own way, and if they don't they will hit out at you.

They love to use foul langua__ and think it makes them more likeable and earthy. The truth is they are just foul and tend to drone on n they could bore for their country.

Taureans are violent when aroused and are likely to commit murder or assault at the very least. You wouldn't want a Taurus as an enemy.

When they fall in love, you'd better hope it isn't with you. They will stifle you, lock you away, smother you with tacky gifts and suffocate you with attention and affection.They think having lots of children will keep them safe from being dumped.

GEMINI

May22-June 21

Life is one long game for shallow Geminis. They will steal, steal, lie and cheat to look good and stay on top.

They have no morals or ethics and would be happy to sell their own granny to make a fast buck.

They are restless and often end up living abroad to escape the tax, police, landlord or people they have abused or upset.

Suffering from split personalities, there are two of them to bore you to death with tales of their cons and tricks.

Whatever you do don't employ one they will steal the office furniture out from underneath you.

You can't shut them up, turn them off or turn them down. Geminis are full on in your face, never sleeping, never backing off. They are lively, inquisitive and almost rodent-like.

CANCER

June 22-July22

MOODY Cancerians have no life of their own so love to hear about other people's problems.

They think they've got good taste, but their style is old fashioned, dark and boring. They'll get fat no matter what they eat.

They are self-pitying, weak, pathetic, emotional limp rags, who wear their heart on their sleeves. Basically they're unstable, bordering slightly on the barking mad. Think bunnies in boiling water; think knife across your throat when you're sleeping.

Extremely clingy - don't let them get too close. Cancers are control freaks and emotionally blackmail you. They will snap at you for no reason. To get back in their good books you'll have to humiliate yourself, on bended knee, promising you'll never do it again.

LEOJuly23-August23

LEOS love being the centre of attention.

They are bossy, opinionated and conceited and love to tell everyone what they think.

The trouble is their opinions are always biased and unfair and based entirely on their own experiences. If only they'd realise the world doesn't revolve around them.

Like the African lion they are named after, they are fat, indolent, cowardly and lazy.

They have poor taste in clothes and think yesterday's fashions are still in today.

What is that thing they have about their hair? It's invariably messy, tangled, bushy and needs a good cut. They think they look like a lion - how wrong can you get?

They won't go anywhere quietly and can't sit through a film without being an unpaid critic.

VIRGO

August 24-Sept22

PICKY control freaks, Virgos can be sharp and bad tempered if they don't get their own way.

Their need for cleanliness and order is an obsession - they should consider therapy.

They criticise their few friends and are emotionless, they might as well be replaced with a machine.

For a Virgo being in love means having someone to change and look after. They don't need a lover, they need a child.

Imagine a tax inspector and you pretty much have a typical Virgo - a busy body and stickler for rules. They'd make good food hygiene inspectors as they love poking around in other people's fridges. They also have a problem with their humour, which seems to have got stuck at the school playground level.

LIBRA

Sept23-Oct 23

LIBRAS only have one thought - me, me, me.

The most selfish of the astrological signs, they are narcissistic, egotistical and arrogant.

They think they can charm people and carry it off, but they are hurtful and oblivious of feelings. They spend too much time looking in mirrors.

If you're shallow enough to fall for a Libra you'll spend a lot of time waiting for them to come home. They have the morals of a rat.

For Libras, sex is the answer to all life's problems. Figuring out how to find their next sexual encounter is the limit of their brainpower.

They are ditherers with no real opinions and beliefs. They think they're artistic, but most people see them as wishy washy and indecisive with no grip on reality.

ARIES

March21-April 20

ARIANS have a quick and fiery temper, are impatient and scornful of advice.

They are vain and big headed and over confident. Prick their fragile bubble and they'll cry like babies. They are weak and willingly bribe their way out of trouble.

In business they are bossy and controlling, domineering and egotistical. They like to gamble - with your affections, the law and their lives. You're better off without them in case they drag you down into the bankruptcy courts.

Aries fall in love at the drop of a hat - or a pair of briefs. To get an Aries to fall in love with you just sleep with them.

They like to think they are a great leader. If they'd hold up and look behind them they would see no one is following.

PISCES

Feb 20- March 20

PISCEANS don't need sex, they need power.

They like getting you naked so you'll feel vulnerable and they will feel in control. They'll use tactics - offering a massage, aromatherapy or to take artistic photos.

When it comes to the ideal job they will work in any situation that puts them in charge and you at a disadvantage.

They like to be knowledgeable about things so you feel inferior and grateful for any facts they dole out.

They aren't too good at spending time with others. This might have something to do with their hygiene problems.

You'll think they're prudish when you first meet them but for Pisceans it's just an excuse to seduce people and get them to take off their clothes.

AQUARIUS

Jan21-Feb19

THEY look normal but barking mad best describes this unorthodox sign - inside their head there's an alien's brain.

They are driven, determined, ruthless zealots and fanatics, in fact utterly insane.

If you're unlucky enough to fall for one of these, you won't be wooed or romanced. You will, however, be lectured, talked down to and patronised.

Not your great entrepreneur or business person, Aquarians can't do paperwork or even turn up on time, but work well in labs.

They are confidence tricksters: never doing any work but always having plenty of money, they must be sponging off someone.

They are lazy and indulgent and hate cuddly toys.

CAPRICORN

Dec 22- Jan 20

DANGEROUS, predatory and mean, Capricorns lavish any emotion on their finances.

They are cold-blooded, ambitious, ruthless and cunning.

Keeping up with the Jones's is never a problem - Capricorns ARE the Jones's. They like you to know how much they're worth, what their house is worth and what their car cost.

Capricorns in love have all the passion of two people watching TV. They enjoy sitting on sofas together drinking tea in matching cardigans. They are so robotic they don't have emotional responses.

They appear to be shy to cover up the fact they don't know how to act when confronted with emotion. The old-fashioned type, they are stuck in a time warp.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov 23 - Dec 21

SAGITTARIANS have no real talent or skills and survive purely on gut instinct and luck.

Status-seeking snobs, they have a reckless approach. Lacking personality, they think they have hidden talent and blame everyone else for not being discovered.

There are two types: the quiet, depressed hermit and the pompous know-it-all.

For such a pallid, limp sign they have big egos and a giant chip on their shoulders and they are hypochondriacs.

When falling in love - not often - they go for the wrong types, who prop up their egos.

They love going to big gatherings where they think they're the centre of attention - they really blend nicely into the wallpaper.

SCORPIO

Oct 24 - Nov 22

SCORPIOS are disruptive and cruel and like it that way.

They spent their childhood pulling wings off flies and feel restricted when they can't do it as an adult. So they go out of their way to irritate everyone around them.

They like offending people and have no social graces whatsoever. They may end up being killed because they are very argumentative.

If you want a spy, an assassin or an industrial espionage expert, hire a Scorpio and they won't let you down. They can steal, kill, pillage - and do it all with a smile.

If they fall in love with you, they'll expect to own and control you, possess and dominate you.

They like complicated role- playing games - mainly because you have to wear tight restrictive clothes.

Nasty Astrology is published by Collins & Brown, Price pounds 6.99 (approx E10.50)
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Jun 2, 2004
Words:1739
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