More zing for your zang spicing things up--literally.
Dipstick: You know, I never thought about it, but since I got your letter, I've been experimenting. Garlic and onions make you taste like an Italian super model; feta and black olives, like a Greek goddess. Coffee makes you taste like the cute coffee girl at Dunkin' Donuts. Then I took it even further with fruit-flavored lubes too. Grape soda reminded me of my first girlfriend in high school. I had a hot night on an Olivia Cruise with a Caribbean queen and the pina colada-flavored lube. And the chocolate, well, let's just say, Willy Wonka's factory will never be the same.
Lipstick: Oompa Loompa Doopadeedoo, I've got a tasty treat for you. I hear there are a lot of things that affect how a vajayjay tastes. Not only can changes in your cycle affect flavor but arousal and sweat adds a zing to your zang. I've found that citrus improves the situation south of the border and eating pineapple actually candy coats your "special lady." No wonder so many lezzies honeymoon in Hawaii!
Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: I'm so confused. I've always been in love with this guy named Jim. We've been together for six years, plan to get married and all that sweet hetero stuff. I thought he was the one. He is in the Marines and I don't see him that often anymore. However, I met this gay girl in school. She's been a lesbian since she was a kid, while I've always been straighter than straight. Recently, we've become best friends. I say friends, but the truth is I'm falling in love with her. I even told her, and turns out that she's in love with me. I stayed at her house the other night because her parents were out of town. We got drunk, made out and I loved it. Help, I'm so stuck! Part of me wants to be with Jim because of everything we had and could have once he gets back from Japan, but another part wants to take risks and to be with Lori. What should I do?--Marine's Girl
Lipstick: How old are you little chicken? 18? Did you and Jim Dog get together in junior high? Your feelings for this girl may well be real, but it might also be that you've got some oats to sew. Here's what you should do: Tell Jim you need a break. Explain to him why. Tell him that even though you love him, you need to do this for your emotional and mental health. Once you get that big conversation out of the way, explore all the wonder-fulness that is you and your sexuality (safely, I might add). Kiss, smell, lick, poke, joke--do whatever your heart tells you to do. If you're supposed to end up with this Jim, your heart will eventually lead you back to his barracks.
Dipstick: No, Lipstick, she shouldn't send a "Dear Jim, I'm gay" letter. She's just a straight girl who kissed her best friend when she was drunk. It happens all the time. Apparently their boyfriends don't mind it. That is until they fall in love with said girl and leave their sorry asses. But that's not what's going on here. What we have here is just one of the few, the proud and the lonely enjoying the doting lesbian friend. MG, don't mess around with Lori. You'll only break her heart, then Jim's and probably your own, too. No matter how much you care for your friend, you can't make up for the fact that you're straighter than straight. It's just a phase.
Dear Lipstick & Dipstick: I dated this girl, Marley, for a couple months until she broke up with me to date her ex-girlfriend. Marley decided her ex was straight and that she missed me, so we got back together recently. The problem is, after we reunited, Marley wouldn't even touch me and started acting differently. She finally admitted she wasn't ready for a "serious relationship" and wants me to slow things down. This is confusing because Marley's the one who sped things up in the first place. I agreed, but now she won't respond to my phone calls or text messages. The last thing she said was that she'd let me know when she figures out what she wants. Am I supposed to just sit around and wait for her to decide if she wants me or not? What do I do if she ends up wanting to be with me? How can I be sure she's not just screwing with my head again and will eventually dump me out in the cold?--Waiting to Wait
Lipstick: Waiting to Wait--wake up! You're a passionate pushover with a big heart, aren't you? I'll bet you've been in this predicament before, letting a woman play you this way. Are you ready for the truth? Marley is keeping you around for selfish reasons--to boost her own confidence--not because she's unsure of her feelings. Like many dykes, Marley enjoys knowing you're in the wings, pining for her. It's gluttonous and self-serving, but apparently how she rolls. My advice would be to quit playing the fool and take back control here. That means: no more phone calls, no more texts and no more Marley.
Dipstick: Lipstick, how many more letters will we have to answer before lesbians stand up for themselves? Wait until she calls you? Hell no. The best thing to do is to forget about Marley and get on with your life. She sounds like the type who's afraid to be alone, so she keeps you hanging on until someone better comes along. It's time for you to dismiss Ms. Not Ready and find someone who does want to touch you. Get out there and meet someone who is sure she wants to be with you, who would fight to be with you, who returns your calls and sends you sexy text messages and flowers just because. Even if you never meet the girl of your dreams (unlikely), you'll most likely be happier than waiting around for a girl who is probably never going to call.
Is texting cheating? What do you do with your old sex toys? Watch new episodes of The Lipstick & Dipstick Show at curvemag.com.
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|Title Annotation:||advice; food's effect on women's physiology; confusion on sexual preference; how not to be a beck and call|
|Date:||Jul 1, 2010|
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