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Monster Monster; BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! IT'S ERIC HALL.

MUST start today by wishing my mum Eva a monster happy birthday.

And that also comes from her best friends, all the members of the Barkingside Bingo Belles. These lovely ladies even have their own signature tune which goes something like:

"Bingo Belles, Bingo Belles, Bingo all the way ..."

My Uncle Morrie called on mum during the week. He walked into the flat and shouted "Eva, are you there?"

"No, I'm hiding," she replied.

"Hello Eva, it's your brother Morrie."

"I'm still hiding."

"I've brought you a monster birthday present."

"I'm hiding in the wardrobe."

A friend tried to get hold of Graham Kelly in the week and was told he was with the media making a statement about the raid on the FA.

"What's he saying?" he asked.

"He's talking balls," said the secretary.

"He always does, but what's this statements about?"

My favourite story of the week is about the delivery man who called on Nelson Mandela with 400 car batteries.

"They're not for me," says Nelson.

"That's what it says here," says the guy

"I'm too busy to argue," says Mandella. "Put them in the garage and I'll sort it later."

Next day the same delivery man turns up with 1,000 spark plugs. They go through the same routine and the plugs go into the garage.

On the third day when it's 200 carburettors Mandela says: "I've had enough, show me that delivery note."

He reads it and yells: "You schmuck (or whatever that is in Swahili), this says Nissan Main Dealer."

I turned over to Channel Four during half-time in the football during the week and the first thing I saw on the screen was the name-plate "Star Street W2" which is my address.

I was monster staggered and thought I was missing a programme about me. But then the camera panned to a house about 50 yards from mine and I discovered there was a man living there who is an arms dealer.

I figure we should get together. He sells arms, I sell legs and boom, boom, boom we've got a business.

Had a Premiership manager enquire about Stoke's Paul Peschisolido. I told him a price and he more or less agreed the deal.

Next day he rings back and says: "Eric, sorry, the deal is off."

"But I thought the transfer price was right?"

"That's no problem, it's the cost of all those letters on the back of the shirt we can't afford."
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Copyright 1996 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Sport
Author:Hall, Eric
Publication:The People (London, England)
Date:Mar 10, 1996
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