Moan machines; Adam Postans on TV.
FOR the best measure of just how snooze-worthy Channel 5's house of horrors has been this summer, look no further than the second live eviction, day 17.
There they all were, gathered on the sofas, awaiting Emma Willis's announcement, when Hughie dozed off.
He actually dozed off.
My personal highlight from Big Brother 17, a 50-day "torrent of highly offensive language and intense and aggressive confrontations".
Unlike the infinitely more entertaining Love Island, the producers don't comprehend that every argument requires light relief. The ITV2 show achieved this by introducing six puppies to the villa just when things were turning nasty, making everyone gooey.
Instead, BB creates even more ructions - over wine, cigarettes, cushions, avocado, hoodies, tuna, pancake thickness and even one over the fact they were arguing.
The tasks have been unimaginative and the whole exercise became pointless when they twice let three contestants' boyfriends stay overnight. A few exceptions aside, like Alex, this is a self-pitying, self-obsessed bunch of moan-machines.
We've had Marco Pierre White Jr who departed insisting of his engagementending fling with blow-up sex doll Laura: "It takes two to tangle," and new-age Emma who thought BB should get a vet for a drowned moth.
There was poor old Jason's ex-from-hell Charlie, who can't accept they're over, and Ryan Ruckledge, the X Factor "horror of a human being" and Britain's shallowest man, who was dumped aptly wearing a bin bag.
He told Emma Willis he didn't understand what Jason meant when he objected to the "derogatory way he talks about men and women" just before Ryan said of Lateysha: "It's unnatural to be that funny for a bird."
Worst of all, though, was Andy West, the uptight ex-BBC journalist who is so ex jou self-righteous he grasses on everybody from private chats and took great exception to Ryan and Hughie joking harmlessly that they were getting engaged: "You don't joke about the oppression of millions of people."
They aren't exactly darkening the doorstep of Mensa HQ either.
Andy, on a secret mission, convinced the house that Margaret Thatcher was called the Iron Lady because she invented the steam iron.
There was this exchange - Hughie: "What's a beer garden?" Ryan: "It's a garden where you drink beer."
And the latter tried to guess the "African herbivore with two legs" that Lateysha was thinking of during a game of animal, vegetable or mineral: "Kangaroo."
I have many suggestions for the housemates, most of them unprintable, so I'll leave that to Jayne who reacted to a mass shaving-foam fight on day 38: "Bring back National Service, I say." So do I.
HE'S DOG TIRED Love Island's Adam has a snooze with pooch