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Men are from Mars..; Take a tip from me and just forget doing the right thing.

Byline: Mark McGivern

I'M fed-up giving tips. It's not that I mind giving a bit extra for service to make up for waiters' starvation wages.

I just hate the eternal struggle of conscience which hits me every time I have to put my hand in my pocket.

Some strong-willed types don't mind about whether they tip or not.

Some actually weigh up how much to leave by the quality of service. I confess that I'm prone to bullies and flirts.

I can spend half the time it takes to eat a meal wondering how much I should leave behind as a tip.

A pathological hatred of being ripped off, combined with an aversion to being regarded as a tight wad makes the whole experience a political nightmare.

From the outset, I'm first to admit a beautiful young, flirty waitress with big boobs is going to get more of a tip than a wee, fat, sweaty guy.

But then, while that's perhaps the law of the jungle, I also get a conscience over the way I discriminate against the wee sweaty guy. I've come to totally mistrust the lot of them. I get wrapped up in a battle between good and evil.

I don't want to give too much to someone who doesn't deserve it and I don't want to be mean to an overworked genuine waiter.

I get too self-conscious of the dirty looks I'm getting from catering staff and the backstabbing I probably get in the kitchen.

I'm good at losing my inhibitions after consuming huge quantities of wine, lager and aperitifs and breaking all my tipping rules.

This normally results in 30 per cent being added on to what was already an excessive bill in the first place.

There's nothing more sure, however, to make me feel like a mug the next day.

Sitting in a nice restaurant stresses me out. It's not a crucial part of proceedings for most people, but I can feel my hackles rising as the tip paranoia sets in.

I always admire those who state from the outset that they don't tip, no way, no matter how pretty the face.

These are the same guys who refuse the Big Issue and never give donations to street beggars.

My friend has just come back from New York, where he employed that high principle.

Unfortunately, he was chased down the street for failing to meet the required 15 per cent ransom and told his ass would be severely kicked if he showed his face in the establishment again.

It took the shine from his well-honed lifestyle.

But at least it proved the Yanks are honest in their extortion.


buff 1. (female) what you do to your nails to bring out their natural shine. 2. (male) running around baring your backside, especially after a shower.
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Title Annotation:Vital
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Oct 9, 2002
Previous Article:.. women are from Venus; There are far more pressing matters than doing the ironing.
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