Men and sex: Boys will be girls; Task: the Universal Contour wrap.
When our trousers get too tight, us ladies have sometimes been known to resort to wrapping ourselves up in bandages to lose those excess inches. Meanwhile, blokes merrily carry on eating all the pies. Until now, that is. Yep, we coerced Nick Peksa, 26, a sales and marketing manager from Reading, to undergo a wet bandage wrap
1Measuring up First things first, Nick has to get nekkid, well almost, and subject his body parts to the close inspection of beauty therapist Laura, who measures him in 18 different places including inner thighs and marks him so we can compare inches later. Nervous? `I'm a bit embarrassed in nowt but my pants but how much worse can it get?' Erm, we wrap you head to toe in slimy cold bandages, so tight a fart would have luck escaping, then leave you for hours until your fatty bits compact, and nasty toxins are released. How does that sound?
2Mummy dearest Laura wraps Nick's feet in bandages soaked in a clay solution, then works her way upwards. She explains they act as a giant poultice, drawing out impurities and tightening the skin. As she moves higher Nick looks nervous but running away is not an option: `I'd have to hide in the British Museum and stand in the Egyptian section.' Twenty minutes later, Nick's patience is wearing thin. He begins to shiver and complain: `I look like an idiot, the bandages were all warm but now they've gone cold and clammy. How do women do this? God, I can only imagine what my mates would say if they could see me.'
3The fat suit Just when he thought it couldn't get any more humiliating, Laura produces a giant shell suit which Nick is ordered to wear to keep in the heat. It's even got go-faster stripes. He takes a look in the mirror and wails: `I look ridiculous. Last year I lost four stone, which was quite an achievement, but in this I look like I've put it all on again!' The wrap must be starving him of oxygen as Nick's starting to sound like a real girl. As part of the treatment, and to calm him down, Laura sits him in a reclining chair with a blanket over his knees, like a pensioner on the seafront. Cup of tea and a fondant fancy for the old lady?
4The finished product Half an hour later, Laura allows Nick to take off the lovely shell suit so she can unwrap him. When his belly's released, he sighs with relief. Finally Nick's back in just his pants again, stood beside a heap of sodden grey bandages. Laura re-measures him and calculates he's lost 8.5 inches all over. We're positively jealous. But still Nick ain't happy. `I can't see any difference,' he claims. `Though a woman probably would on her. It has to one of the most humilating and boring ways of losing a few inches.' So he says, but at least he'll fit into his special Saturday frock now. Tee hee.
For info on the Universal Contour wrap, call Totally UK on 01784- 259988. Thanks to Kaven beauty salon in Theale, near Reading; call 0118- 930 3747
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|Publication:||The Mirror (London, England)|
|Date:||Jan 25, 2003|
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