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Man talk #21: LURGIES - Token Bloke on the importance of getting to the bottom of nasties down below.


I was the recipient of the most amazing chat-up line the other night.

The woman in question didn't say anything particularly alluring, nor did she drag me into some alleyway. She just told me she was out celebrating because she'd been checked out at the hospital for every sexually transmitted disease under the sun, and had been given a clean bill of health.

I know this because she actually dug it out of her handbag and brandished it in the pub. Call me fickle, but the fact that a hospital was telling me this woman didn't have a vaginal yeast infection made her far more attractive than any Wonderbra ever could.

Being a child of the 80s, who once rang an Aids helpline after getting my neck nicked at the barber's to find out if I was going to die or not, STDs weigh heavy on my mind every time I have a fiddle with someone new.

It's not something I've had to deal with, touch wood (both kinds). But I once had a major scare when an encounter with a rather vigorous lady... Actually, you might be eating, so I'll spare you the gory details. But here's what I learned from my near-miss:

If in doubt, go directly to the clinic. Do not waste time dabbing at yourself with surgical wipes when you can get someone else to do it.

By all means, go with someone you trust implicitly. They can offer comfort, support and there's a 50 per cent chance that passers-by will think it's her who's got the problem.

When you're there, grab as many leaflets and free johnnies as you can. So if you get recognised by someone at work, you can wave them about and say, "Oh, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just a massive slag and I'm really thick."

Feel free to tell your friends all about it, because it's the 21st century and we live in an era of openness and understanding. And it's really amusing when they make that pinchy gesture with their fingers and go, "Ee! Ee! Ee!" for the 50th time.

When you've got the all-clear and some bloke in a dark club wants your number, don't rummage in your bag and give him the card from the clinic, with "24 HOUR STD HELPLINE" on it, instead of your business card.
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Copyright 2003 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:M on Tuesday
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Nov 11, 2003
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