Man talk #017: SEX IN CARS Our Token Bloke on being driven to distraction in the lay-by of love.
Have you heard about "dogging", where people stand around the back of a greyhound track watching other people having sex in cars? Never heard such a load of cobblers in all me life.
Do you know what it actually is? Sad blokes standing around looking at other people's cars, using sex as an excuse.
Seriously, have you ever been through the carpark of a Little Chef halfway up the motorway? Every time I have, all I can see is about 15 dickheads in shell suits looking at each other's engines.
Men like sex in cars - and it's nothing to do with any crappy adverts that make out that bombing around in a hunk of metal is akin to a multiple orgasm.
It's because during their formative years a knackered Ford Escort was the only place they could have sex without their mams bursting in with a cup of tea. And, yes, I've tried it. Once.
A lady friend and I pulled into a lay-by to give it a go. Any erotic charge was ruined by the fact that her car was tiny and full of crap, so it felt like I was having a seizure in a dolls' house. And just when we'd got comfortable, I found out that the local council had started a Night Bus service. I still get leers of recognition from bus drivers today.
But enough of my shame. Here's my advice for anyone stupid enough to want to have sex in a car when beds, curtains and portable tellies with remote controls have already been invented...
Never do it in your own car. A bloke will break the lever that moves the seat, adjust the mirrors, and point out mid-shag that you really should have got the Series X4 because What Car? said so.
Good cars to have sex in are Bentleys, Mercedes and American convertibles of the type seen in Burt Reynolds films. Bad cars to have sex in are Minis, Ladas and the Postman Pat van outside Tesco's for the kiddies.
By jamming your partner's hands and ankles in the electric windows, ramming a Ginsters pastie in his mouth and making liberal use of a cigarette lighter, you can turn a car into your very own mobile S&M chamber.
Never do it in a rented stretch limo. Never do anything in a rented stretch limo, come to think of it.
If you've got a new bloke, his car is a great way to get to know him better. If there's a new-car smell, shopping bags with designer labels and a couple of tickets to Paris on the seat, he's a catch. If there are two kids in the back eating crisps, drinking Coke through a straw and asking where mummy is, he's not.
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|Title Annotation:||M on Tuesday|
|Publication:||The Mirror (London, England)|
|Date:||Oct 21, 2003|
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