MUMS ON THE RUN; FROM TIGERS TO MODELS ..THE TYPES OF MOTHERS TO BE FOUND IN PLAYGROUND.
As revealed in Sky Living's new comedy drama Gates, starring Joanna Page, there are various types of mums who gather at the gate to talk playground gossip and politics. Here, SIOBHAN McNALLY, a self-confessed Late Mum, takes a look at the 8.30am tribes... FERAL MUM Having been up all night playing online roulette, Feral Mum rolls out of bed, slings a cardi over her nightclothes and slips on Ugg-type boots, worn badly on the inside heels because she shuffles rather than walks to school.
She's well miffed that since Jamie Oliver's campaign for healthier food, the kids now expect her to open a tin, not just lob it at them. Flicking her fag butt at the back of the teacher's head as she ushers her class into school, Feral Mum is proud her kids have got ASBOs - in all the main subjects.
GOSSIP n Comedy and drama in Playdates are to be avoided with Feral Mum. She wants to hook up in the hols so she can enjoy all-day drinking in Wetherspoons. Only new mums innocently accept the offer, and are rewarded with a torched home and traumatised child.
MARTYR MUM Three kids later, Martyr Mum hasn't had a proper night's sleep in 10 years. If she stopped co-sleeping with them before they got their adult teeth she'd have less to complain about.
All these years she's been either breast-feeding, feeding on command, exploring baby-led weaning or making gluten-free, vegan packed lunches.
She's also become a "Natural Doctor", so the whole family are constantly ill.
Last time Martyr Mum went on a night out, it was her hen party. But even then she came home early from the Hare Krishna drop-in centre so she could practise her Buddhist chanting.
CORPORATE MUM Blackberry stuck to one ear, Corporate Mum uses the silent but deadly mummy hand squish and death glare to parent her daughter as she's too busy talking to the office.
She has no idea who any of the other parents are but worries they see more of her offspring than she does.
Such a shame she and Corporate Husband haven't had time to have more children. Perhaps she can sync calendars so when he attends the clinic to fertilise her frozen eggs they can do lunch.
an order form for CATALOGUE MUM It's dangerous to accept any invitation from Catalogue Mum because before you know it, you'll have a warm glass of Pinot Grigio pushed into one hand and Tupperware, clothes or sex aids in the other. Home sales rep for several companies, Catalogue Mum plunders her children's friends to out with the family finances.
sa compan child help famEno thi ma Bod matc and c plastic cupcake can order f pounds 24.72 a month. Easy to spot, she's normally wearing this season's make-up colours, Boden clothes that match her daughter's carrying a large box full of cupcakes, all of which you from her for just month.
EARLY-BIRD MUM Having nothing better to do than get to the gate hours before the start or the end of the school day, Early-Bird Mum is even more irritating than Late Mum.
Leaving her kids to stand forlornly in an empty school yard in the morning, Early Bird pounces eagerly on the next arrival to regale them with riveting news on how her latest tuna bake fed the entire family for 3p a head and that the new lollipop lady's nervous tic is causing complete traffic chaos.
Three hours later, Early Bird arrives home and says to an empty house: "Gosh, it's almost time to pick them up. Where does the time go?" GYM MUM Jogging up and down on the spot in tight black trackie bottoms with Sex On Fire on the iPod, blocking out the world while she drops off her kids, Gym Mum is often spotted half an hour later, yacking with keep-fit pals.
She read somewhere the optimum fat-burning pace is one that allows you to run and hold a conversation but mostly Gym Mum just gives her jaw the full workout.
Smug in the knowledge her lifestyle sets a good example to her kids, she wishes they weren't so embarrassingly S-L-O-W at school sports day.
PTA MUM Previously a middle manager for a national call centre, full-time PTA Mum now runs the Parent Teacher Association with her spreadsheet and unintelligible business speak.
The school gates are an opportunity to touch base, incentivise and go forward together. Unless you refuse to take part in the 24-Hour Naked Cake Bake-off Calendar, in which case you will have to face the music.
At home she cascades back to her husband about the difficulties in getting the stakeholders to come to the party until, bored witless, he goes to the pub and shows the barmaid his strategic multi-tasking skills.
GRANNY MUM Already mum to two grown-up kids and nan to three toddlers, Granny Mum left her dull but kind husband of 25 years and scooted off on a girlie holiday to Rhodes where she met Costas the waiter.
After one too many ouzos, she took him back to the UK and astonished the neighbours when, at 46, she gave birth to Costas Junior.
Back at the school gate in her fifth decade, she's got used to being mistaken for Junior's granny but now Costas has learned to speak English she realises her young husband is more boring than the old one.
TIGER MUM Often overheard hissing through her teeth: "Do I even have to THINK for you?" at Number One child's Latin homework while restringing number two's viola, Tiger Mum wants the best for her young twins, at any cost.
Having conveniently forgotten that she ran away from her own parents at 15 and ended up in a squat with an addiction to Tipp-Ex, rehabilitated and boringly married Tiger Mum wants to bask in the glow that comes from her offsprings' achievements.
Her mantra is: You snooze, you lose, kids, even though they happen to be only five.
AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT MR MUM "ANYTHING she can do, I can do better," he says, over and over again, while trying to stop the kids putting the pet hamster on a spin wash.
This couple have agreed that Mummy's salary was bigger and better so he should give up work to look after their kids.
Trouble is, Mr Mum just worries that Mummy's boss is also bigger and better as she spends so "much bloody time with him".
"You don't know what I have to put up with all day when you're at the office," he moans when Mummy gets home, as she opens a bottle of wine, rolls her eyes and deletes the boss's sex texts on her mobile.
MadonnaGym Mum Paltrow Gwyneth Martyr Mum Kerry Katona Feral Mum Sarandon Susan Mum Granny MODEL MUM You can normally smell Model Mum before you see her as she stalks past you in a fug of La Perla, tousled blonde mane, pouty lip gloss and Scouse brow.
She sees absolutely no reason why having kids should mean letting yourself go.
In fact, since having her boys, she's dropped two dress sizes and divorced her rich husband.
The new man in her life looks a little like Towie's Mark Wright - if you squint at him through shades.
She rarely has time to stand around talking at the school gates. Her first appointment is at 9.15am with her fillers consultant because, at 46, she still needs to look 28.
FAMILY GUY Z Ben Affleck shares the parenting with Jennifer Garner GOSSIP n Comedy and drama in Gates