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Byline: By Hayley Long

So we never saw her again & after dat, we had this whole string of different supply teachers up until the end of term. I don't know why all our supply teachers R Australian but they R.

We must only get the nut-nut ones mind. I mean, if I came from somewhere like Summer Bay, there's no way on earth I'd want 2 come & live instead in some shit-hole like Camden or Cricklewood or Willesden.

You don't get no opportunity to surf in Stonebridge Park, my friend.

Anyway, 2 get back 2 my point, yeah, it's the 1st day back after the holidays & we're all excited about who we're gonna get 4 English. I've already worked out that it ain't gonna be Ms de Haan which is a bit raw but then again, not that raw really cos you have 2 work HARD if you're in Ms de Hard-On's class; it's a known fact.

U even have to do homework in her class. No pleasure without pain, innit.

And then this guy walks into E7 and tells us all that he's our new teacher. Man, I'd be lying if I said I didn't die a death right there & then. I couldn't believe it. It's none other than the guy who fell for the Travelcard scam. My uncle from Belgium!

Uncle told us that his name wos Mr Cochrane. But that's a bit of pointless detail on my part really cos he weren't likely 2 tell us that he was called Puff Daddy or Ole Dirty Bastard or nothink, was he?

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not soft when it comes 2 teachers but I gotta admit, I was feeling a little bit worried cos I thought he might see me sat at the back of the class & start giving me a row for shafting ten quid out of him at Golders Green tube station that time.

I needn't of bothered worryin' though. He never said nothink. I don't think he never even noticed me, man. But then again, he wouldn't, would he?

My kind probably all look the same to fellas like him.

Anyway, he stands at the front of the class & introduces hisself in this funny Posh Spice kinda voice like wot you'd expect only a type like Prince Harry to have & tells us all how he's called Mr Cochrane & then he writes it up on the whiteboard so as how we can C what it looks like written.

Actually, yeah, it don't look so funny written down, but it don't matter by now. Peachey, the baddest most dangerous head-case in the class has started pointing 2 Uncle & then 83 pointing 2 his own nob and is mouthing across the desks to Delton that sir has got the same name as his nudger.

And then Delton, who's all right on a 1-2-1 but a fool any other time, starts waving his hand in the air & shoutin, 'Mr COCKran? Did you say yer name wos Mr COCKran? I can't hear proper, sir, I'm a bit mutton.' And I sweer 2 God, your poor man at the front of the room looks like he's completely out of it.

He ain't gotta clue wot Delton's on about. 2 tell the truth, neither of I really & neither of at least half the kids in the room, cos they can't even blinkink speak the language, but I wouldn't ever let that show.

Continues tomorrow
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Publication:Western Mail (Cardiff, Wales)
Date:Nov 3, 2006
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