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Lucy Sweet: I'm browned off now the tanned maggot's gone.

Byline: Lucy Sweet

ON Friday night, I invited a few people round for the BB final to celebrate the fact that a Portuguese tranny was the most popular person in Britain. Little did I know I had invited some secret Jason lovers, so it descended into mud-slinging, lurid descriptions of Nadia's nether regions, and me yelling: 'But Jason's a *****.'

In the morning, though, as I was wiping chips and dip off the wall, I started to feel sad.

Now Jay (or the 'tanned maggot' as one friend memorably called him) has gone, I'm starting to miss him.

What will I do without that balding, pumped up, arrogant git staring back at me on the TV, rubbing moisturiser into his boy boobs? Couldn't they have just left him in there for a year and poked him with a stick every so often? It's not fair. I suppose I'll have to make do with keeping track of his short-lived post-BB career.

First there'll be a really bad exercise video called Jay's Big Gay Workout, which will end up in the Poundstretcher bargain bin in January priced 0.0001p.

Then there'll be personal appearances in nitespots called Julie's and Slappers where he'll whip up the crowd with his thong.

And if he's lucky, he might get to advertise the Ab Stretch 5000 on Sky Digital channel 7687.

Oh dear, on second thoughts, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even the ginger minger.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Aug 9, 2004
Words:240
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