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Looking on punny side; 7 DAYS MIKE LOCKLEY THREE TIMES HE'S BEEN VOTED MIDLANDS COLUMNIST OF THE YEAR.

Byline: MIKE LOCKLEY

THE following pun that has been voted this year's best Christmas cracker joke by readers of The Scunthorpe Telegraph.

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky.

This nugget of information says a lot about Scunthorpe and its inhabitants. They pull crackers early, for a start.

I have no comprehension of who Miley Cyrus is, and Twerky is a word I've never encountered.

I only hope it is an attempt to ridicule the way Scunthorpe folk speak and neither a sexual reference nor a colloquialism for a body part.

No 2 in the Scunthorpe cracker chart is: Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on ebay? Because they were two deer.

I have attempted to enter the Lincolnshire town but once. Thankfully, it was closed.

Had I walked the streets, I would no doubt have encountered huddled individuals slapping each other on the back and gaffawing: "Two deer... geddit?" Internet encyclopedia Wikipedia describes the steel town thus: "According to Home Office data, the area has crime rates higher than the national average, especially in the categories of violence against the person, sexual offences, burglary and theft of motor vehicles."

I wasn't aware there were any other crime categories, unless my suspicions about "twerking" are correct.

As ever, our area leads the way in sophisticated Yuletide jokes.

Topping the charts this week in Birmingham is: "The office party - a great chance to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour."

MANY things irk me about Christmas. Early, smug shoppers top the list.

I get my presents on the Christmas Eve journey from work to home.

That's why so many people get pine air-fresheners, sachets of Turtle wax, de-icer and toy Ferrari cars.

Last year was a bit hairy - the Shell garage had run out of toy Ferrari cars. My mother was very disappointed.

My neighbour told me: "I'll bet you haven't even put your tree up yet."

The tree is up and decorated, I assured her.

"Well done," she shrieked, patronisingly. "At least that shows some forward planning."

Not really. I couldn't be bothered to take it down last year.

MY KNUCKLES
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Sunday Mercury (Birmingham, England)
Date:Dec 22, 2013
Words:358
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