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PENSIONERS in bunnets, in Ladas in the fast lane in a time warp doing 29mph.

Road tax, road rage, the rising cost of petrol, MoTs, servicing, tyres.

Speed bloody traps. It's no wonder motorists could do with a bit of light relief every now and then to escape the crushing depressions that suck every last fibre of joy out of driving.

So this week we've been scouring the internet for car jokes sites ... and there are plenty to choose from.

Well worth a look is carfreaks.s5.com where you'll find dozens of categories of car jokes.

It's a US website, and not all of the jokes travel well, but we liked the section on drivethru jokes, which included the following suggestions:

Attempt to take the order-taker's order (Hi, may I take your order?) before they get a chance to take yours.

And:

If you are male, get a female friend to place the order in a very sexy voice. Then get her to hide before you pull up to collect the order. See how many of the order-taker's mates have crowded round to check out the babe.

Practical jokers might like the fake bullet hole stickers you can buy at sillyjokes.co.uk or why not pick up a piece of plastic poo to slip onto the back seat of your pal's GTi?

You can opt for a curler, dog poo, cat crap or 'a big, realistic floater'.

The same site offers a fake scratch for a tenner. Come on, everybody knows some pain in the neck who it would be worth shelling out that much for to annoy.

Every frustrated car tinkerer will identify with the Haynes Manual rip-off at bex.ww2poster.co.uk:

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary pics of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: 'Jeez what was that? It nearly had my eye out!'

But the old insurance quotes always win the day. You'll find plenty at www.ukcar.com. Click on the Contents button, then scroll down to An attempt at humour.

It has the classic: A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

And: The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:May 7, 2004
Words:393
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