Lindsay Clydesdale ...the last word; Girl's talk.
NAILING the red carpet isn't taught at showbiz school but really should be. February has been packed with awards ceremonies and every star-studded one of them has seen some rank rotten entrances.
It is a celebrity's duty at these high-drama moments to shine. We want glitz and glamour, or failing that something in such bad taste that it unites the nation in laughter.
The Baftas, Brits and Oscars have highlighted the perils of dressing for the red carpet. To be fair, deciding on an outfit that will be seen by millions must make for some sweaty changing-room moments.
The women braving hundreds of TV cameras, photographers and fans face the kind of dizzying wardrobe crisis that only Victoria Beckham with her obesessive attitude to clothes could understand.
Even Keira Knightley says she hates the fashion parade, pose and twirl of the big events and she has Chanel falling over themselves to dress her.
It's no wonder today's stars are so skinny. With nerves like that, who'd be able to keep anything down? Such pressure must be the reason why on so many occasions, it goes drastically wrong.
Baring too much flesh is the most common mistake. Denise Van Outen was hit with "mutton dressed as lamb" jibes for the too-short dress she wore to the Brits.
Lucky Denise has fab legs, a great figure and probably more confidence than her talent warrants. But dressing like the sixth member of Girls Aloud when you're old enough to be their mum does not go down well.
Tilda Swinton's suit for the Baftas defies description, but if you missed it, imagine emu had a fight with a crow and the resultant mangled mess was fashioned into a coat.
On Sunday, she surpassed even this, attending the Oscars in what looked like a shroud with one arm missing but turned out to be a "fashion forward" designer dress. That's magazine speak for too weird for normal people.
But at least she's never boring. At the biggest showbiz event of the year, there's no excuse for playing it safe.
Typically, men get off very lightly at award ceremonies and the only concern for Clooney and co is whether to opt for a double or singlebreasted suit. So far, so dull.
My favourite awards outfits are the criminally bad, those so over the top you wonder if the wearer is still in character.
Who could forget Bjork's swan costume at the 2001 Oscars, which she worked to the max, crouching down to lay an egg in front of goggle-eyed snappers. Seven years on, it's still one of the most memorable red carpet moments, a sign we need more entrances to remember.