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Letter to Snr. Opupulepu (27) Collection at Source at the Thief Slappers' Container Kiosk.

Dear Senior Opupulepu, I hope you and your family and friends are do well, well. As for here too, me and my family and friends are also all do fine, fine.

Senior, have you heard the news? In fact, happenings in Ogyakrom these days are happening very strangely. You know about what happened at the container store of the thief slappers group of company in a certain hamlet called Daboya in the Akonfem section of this God bless our home village, Ogyakrom?

The saying by the elders that 'if a slap is for you, you go for it fast, fast' seems to have been attempted to be implemented to the letter proper by thieves in this Akomfem section of our village.

You see Senior, ever since Nana Odinihuni the Great Leopard started squatting on the stool, most of the akomfems who had left during the reign of Nana Ontiaobia to the BuorAfaso village in the north for a family visit, working visit, sabbatical visit, educational visit, tourism visit et and all other ceteras visits, seem to have decided not to return. They rejected the hand of peace offered by the Great Leopard because they just do not trust the Old Man.

Senior, between you and me, I do understand the akonfems, more so, as all of them are paper-holding members of the Umbrella Concert Party. They had travelled to the village of BuorAfaso with our lampoo payers' cowries, because Nana Ontiaobia wanted to make them fine, and now our Senior Prefect, St Martins (not Adoagyiri), is patiently awaiting their arrivals.

Now, because there are little or no akomfems to steal, the thieves in the Akonfem section of the village, especially those in Daboya, have also nothing to steal. And since stealing is their vocation and only source of livelihood, they felt they were getting rusty in their talent, so if they do not steal now, now, a day will come when they will not know how to steal.

They took a collective agreement decision and decided that since it has been a long time ago when they, collectively or a few of them, have been slapped by thief slappers, the best place to practice their abonsam-given talents was at thief slappers' kiosks.

They went, they saw, and they were disappointed, because there was no thief slapper around to distribute generous proportions of slaps into their weather hardened faces.

They had to find a way of proving to their colleagues that they went to a thief slappers' installation. They saw scattered about untidily, a bowl full of a few cowries acquired through bribery and corruption which they rejected, since they were not pickpockets, and neither were they petty thieves; there were two or three handcuffs which they objected to, because it was a taboo to them, and, of course, there were pieces of papers on which statements and caution statements obtained from complainants and the accused were written, which were of no value to these thieves except if they wanted to use them to clean their somewhere after they had done something in the bush.

Lo and behold, they saw more than a few fire-sticks just hanging around doing nothing. Yes, these sticks that when pointed at you, you will be politely commanded to do the 'Hands Up', or in cases of plain insanity the holder would let go fire out of it into your GPS location before asking questions like 'who goes there?' At that moment, when that Fourth of July enters your inside and you become transformed into a ghost, this thief slapper will just say he questioned you about who you were, and you refused to come out with a response, and since his safety was threatened, he decided to offload some of the things loaded in his fire stick for you too to carry small, but, unfortunately, you decided to join your ancestors in the life hereafter. Case close!

These thieves had unknowingly and unconsciously entered into a container warehouse of thief slappers where they stored fire sticks and fire crackers aka knockouts. It was harvest time for them, and indeed they swept the container clean off all the hundreds and thousands of fire sticks and fire crackers aka knockouts.

Senior, in his embarrassment and shame, and in order not to create any panic and fear in the Akonfem sector of the village, and to show all Ogyakromians that he was executing his campaign promises to the letter, the Municipal Police Chief for Daboya, one Mahama (not the John), said only two fire sticks, one plucked pawpaw aka ti-abofre, and a hand full of fire crackers that cannot even fill the front pocket of a class one pupil's uniform, were stolen, since those were the only inhabitants in the container store, and became casualties of the operation by the thieves.

In fact, Senior, if this is all that were in that container store, then the Chief Thief Slapper must be taken before Senior Prefect St Martins (not Adoagyiri) for causing financial loss to the village. How could he buy a 1,000 footer container from the South, relocate it to the North at the cost of lampo payers' cowries, and put in only a few things which could not fill a student's chop box, on top making them enjoy full air conditioning?

Senior, lo and behold, there was still panic and fear in the land. And villagers have cause to panic and fear, because, who in his right sense will sleep in his room if someone but only said he dreamt and in his dream he saw a Brother Long (snake) having an afternoon siesta under his bed? Who will not panic and fear if a two year old toddler holds a double barrelled ti-abofre with hands on the trigger and marching about the rooms and the house with the dangerous end pointing dangerously at whoever is in line of duty...sorry... line of fire?

In whatever way we look at things happening in the Akonfem section of the district, we have great cause to worry, because, if now thieves can boldly walk into a thief slappers' kiosk and steal the very equipment used to prevent them from thiefing, then we have a problem.

In fact, all thieves must be given the book Makers of Civilisation to read compulsorily by fire by force so that they know where to step and where not to step. Yes, thieves are now invading thief slappers' installations to collect at source, without fear or favour, and with such impudence of an arrogant dog in a Bolga market.

Don't ask how the thieves had it easy at that thief slappers' container. If my personal thoughts on the matter leaks out, I could be accused of conspiring to defame and defaming the thief slappers' association. So no comments!

I do not envy Nana Odinihuni the Great Leopard at all. If all thief slappers are transformed into ghosts on sight, the whole world will blame him for doing the Mecca Land method of journalisticide (meaning genociding of journalists). If he allows them to be, you and me will have to start sleeping early, which is not good for our health, and top of it sleep under our dusty beds. Yahweh be our Protector.

By for now, I am Dan, sorry, I am Done, stay safe in safety.

It's Me!
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Publication:Ghanaian Chronicle (Accra, Ghana)
Date:Nov 1, 2018
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