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Letter to Senior Opupulepu (97) Is Our Fit-Fitness Wellness Aplanke A Double Agent or An Infiltrator?

Dear Senior Opupulepu,

How are you do? As for me and my family we are still confused. We do not know whether we are do fine or we are not do fine, because Kobby Nanti is dividing and ruling Ogyakromians, making us very selection in our judgmental abilities.

Senior, the other day, the Great Leopard Odinihuni's aplanke in charge of metals that flies was found chilling in an iron bird while romancing the stone, sorry talking-talking sweet talkings into the ears of the maid servants who only work in the air. Please do not misquote me. I am not saying they fly by their own powers using brooms, scrubbing brushes and mops like those ladies who fly by night and rest by day. No, these ladies only work in the air inside iron birds inside, and apart from small, small sins, they have no problems with Yahweh.

Senior this aplanke who is in charge of every metal that flies could go chilling with ladies in metal birds, yet Ogyakromians see nothing wrong with that.

Senior, then again, Odinihuni'saplanke who is in charge of all visits to riversides, beaches, forests, chop bars, blue kiosks, short time and long lease hotels and events of all local dances and festivals was found chilling with ten beers and fifty chichinga in a blue kiosk, and yet no one complained.

Senior, again, the other day, the aplanke in charge of maize and cassava was seen drinking fresh palm wine in somebody's farm. The way he was drinking the wine with such impudence raised questions to as to whether the palm wine tapper voluntarily gave him the wine or he took it by force, or he stole the wine, sorry delete the word stole. What I wanted to say here is that he found the palm wine and thought it was Yahweh sent, because the calabash was not registered by Nana Mama Gin in anybody's name. So in his wisdom and glory, he applied the traditional theory of Finders Keepers, and drunk the calabash full of palm wine, and Oliver Twistingly asked for more. That too, no too known or Yahweh fearing Ogyakromian questioned 'why is it soooo, why is it so ooo?'

Senior, we may proceed. The other day, the akplanke in charge of voom-vooms and too-too-toos, was seen on a tro-tro bus sitting alone in the front, enjoying free fresh air and social distancing without paying a cowry. Even when the troski got to the station, he commanded the driver to drop him in his hut, which was two thirds of a quarter of a day's journey away. This, the driver obliged and obeyed. On the way, this Omanhene's aplanke picked up two busty daughters of Eve, and one sat on one of his laps and the other sat on the other, and he went joy riding to his hut. Senior, this one too, no one complained.

Senior, I am sure you heard about the adage that 'everybody chops inside his or her work place inside,' and 'The cooker licks her fingers whiles cooking.' Senior, I believe if the one who builds is a builder, the one who sings is a singer, the one who dances is a dancer, then the one who cooks is a cooker, case closed.

Senior, these adages are powerful and rich with sound meaning. But my problem is that when recently it became public notice after notifications came out that our Omanhene's one and only aplanke in charge of fit-fitness and well-wellness matters of Ogyakrom, Archie-Man Menu, went to an aspitill, all manner of people started to speak-speaking sick-sickness into his life.

Senior, some people even went on to swear that he has joined the Kobby-Nanti Fan Club at the back of the Omanhene's back. Then the man came to proclaimed and pronounced by making proclamations and pronouncements that he did exactly what his colleagues use to do, once in a while. He went to a department or division under him, which is an aspitill to chill.

Senior, there and then, enemies of progress started asking unnecessary and useless questions which were garnished with stupidity, like 'since when was an aspitill a chilling resort?'

Senior, I am going to tell you what I saw in that aspitill when this aplanke arrived there inside. He is by the way not a doctor or even a mia-miakro nurse, but a soothsayer in the tradecraft of debit-the-receiver and credit-the-giver, I mean that profession where if they have your own money and you are going to collect some, they will ask you why you want your own money, but they do not ask you why you want to deposit your money when you go to give it to them to keep.

Senior, this was what I saw, and please do not reveal it to anyone or my cover will be blown, I beg you. I first saw the aplanke, Archie-Man Menu, walk into this only health resort facility in the whole of ewiase with a swagger, like how a first generation graduate of a family will walk home after graduation.

Senior, quickly, the mia-miakro nurses went fighting over who should remove his shoes, who should remove his suit, and who should take care of his underwear. I mean, they stripped him into his birthday ntama and covered him in a multi-purpose wear, so he and they can freely do what they want. Then it started. Some held his bum-bum, some held his arms, some look him in the eyes like see-me, I-see-you. Some held and measured his something, and some opened his mouth, and here it was not too clear whether one set of lips had a union with another set.

Senior, after all this, these mia-miakro nurses even baaffe the aplanke. Then they powdered him in his Philomena Kpitenge. They then sat our aplanke in bed and fed him well, well. When it was time that I thought the real action was about to take place, the nurses closed the shutters and dimmed the lights. But I swear I saw shadows dancing on, under, and around the bed all night long.

Senior, this was what I saw, and I believe to be true what our aplanke said about the fact that he went to the health resort to chill, after all what is man? He needed a break because fighting Kobby Nanti all the time is not easy.

Senior, do you know that some enemies of progress have convinced their minds that Aplanke Archie-Man Menu was actually a spy, a double agent, in our midst, and a senior member in the Kobby Nanti Fan Club? And that he went to that fit-fitness facility to have meetings with the fan club members there. Meanwhile, others are saying he was rather an infiltrator, who was either sent by the Omanhene, or he sent himself into the den of Kobby Nanti to find more about his weaknesses, so that we can get rid of him.

Senior, as for me, I do not know, but recently, the Omanhene announced to all amansan that his trusted aplanke was a member of the Kobby Nanti Fan Club. I believe someone who wants that post went to spoil Archie-Man to the Omanhene. Someone who wants mia-miakro nurses to hold and behold, but cannot even say 'sii-sii' to them. Because, if Ogyakrom is the only village in the whole of ewiase to have a health resort, why should people hate the one who instituted this facility?

Some say Nana will sack him, but others say the same Omanhene said we should forgive all members of this fan club and not put stickers on them, but treat them as siblings, so the Omanhene will not do Aplanke Archie Man Menu fooko.

Hmmm, we live to see, and we see to live.

As for me, I am Dan, sorry I am Done.

It's Me!
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Publication:Ghanaian Chronicle (Accra, Ghana)
Date:Jun 25, 2020
Words:1408
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