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LETTERS OF LOVE; LEWINSKY'S WRITINGS SHOW COURSE OF RELATIONSHIP.

Byline: Ron Fournier Associated Press

Circled dates in her calendar. Never-sent letters. Indiscreet conversations. Even before she agreed to cooperate with prosecutors, Monica Lewinsky had created a trail of evidence about an affair she says was grounded in love and ``a little bit of obsession.''

Hundreds of pages of grand jury testimony, personal notes and e-mail exchanges released Monday reveal a deeply vulnerable young woman whipsawed by emotions during her affair with President Clinton. The man she nicknamed ``Handsome'' and referred to in gushy letters as ``so heavenly'' and ``simply delicious,'' was also a ``big creep'' and ``that shmucko'' in notes to friends.

She felt jilted, perhaps emotionally on edge as the relationship slipped away.

``Please do not do this to me,'' Lewinsky said in a handwritten June 1997 letter to Clinton that had all seven words underlined. ``I feel disposable, used and insignificant.''

``I believe the time has finally come for me to throw in the towel,'' she wrote in a note found on her computer. ``I give up. You let me down, but I shouldn't have trusted you in the first place.''

Lewinsky circled dates in her calendar each time she met or talked with Clinton. Her home computer's memory was filled with undelivered letters to the president and e-mail exchanges with friends. She blabbed to several pals, including Linda Tripp, about the White House trysts.

Those actions gave prosecutors mountains of evidence - with or without her cooperation. By the time she appeared before a grand jury, prosecutor Kenneth Starr had a detailed chart outlining, in Lewinsky's words, ``some of the highlights of my relationship with the president.''

``Pizza night,'' Nov. 17, 1995: An encounter that she says included sex.

``Thank you note'' from Sept. 5, 1996: `` `Tie is really beautiful.' ''

``Conversation, including job talk and phone sex'': Feb. 8, 1997.

``Private encounter. Christmas kiss'': Dec. 28, 1997.

Even without a chart, Lewinsky's wide range of emotions were evident throughout the thousands of pages of documents released Monday.

She was in love.

``Bill, I love you with all my heart,'' she wrote. In an e-mail, she said, ``I want to hug him so bad right now I could cry.'' She testified, ``I fell in love.''

Lewinsky said Clinton had a ``beautiful soul. I just thought he was just this incredible person and when I looked at him I saw a little boy and - I don't know what the truth is anymore.''

She was in lust.

``We were very compatible sexually,'' Lewinsky testified. ``I've always felt that he was sort of my sexual soulmate.'' Asked if the relationship was love or sexual obsession, she said, ``more love with a little bit of obsession. But definitely love.''

She feared losing him.

``Please be nice to me,'' she wrote. ``Please be my friend.''

She was angry.

``In some way, I hope I never hear from him again because he'll just lead me on because he doesn't have the (guts) to tell me the truth.'' She called him a vulgarity beginning with ``f'' in one e-mail to a friend. She broke down and cried in one grand jury session, saying, ``I hate Linda Tripp'' for tipping Starr to the affair.

She was poignant.

``It's just hard thinking my dad might see this,'' she said during an embarrassing stage of testimony. After Clinton confessed to the nation about their affair Aug. 17, with nary a mention of her, she testified, ``I had wanted him to say that I was a nice, decent person and that he was sorry this had happened.''

She was hurt.

``What did I do to deserve this?'' she asked in one letter, also saying she was ``seriously depressed because of everything that has happened.'' The documents show Lewinsky was taking two antidepressants as Starr summoned her for grand jury testimony. A friend warned in an e-mail that Lewinsky was ``in the midst of a dangerous, psychological, situation.''

In his testimony, Clinton called her ``a good girl'' and said that once he did ``the right thing'' and ended the relationship, ``she felt a need to cling more closely.''

She testified that they had sex near the Oval Office, not in the famous room itself, because that ``wouldn't be appropriate, you know.''

She wrote about her relationships with other men, joking in an e-mail about a recent tryst by saying, ``I am sooooooo naughty!''

During her testimony, a grand juror chastised her for having an affair with a married man before Clinton ``and you turn around and do it again. You're young. You're vibrant. I can't figure out why you keep going after things that aren't free - that aren't attainable.''

Lewinsky seemed contrite.

``It's something I need to work on and I don't think it's right. It's not right to have an affair with a married man. I never expected to fall in love with the president,'' she said. ``I was surprised that I did.''

CAPTION(S):

3 photos

PHOTO (1) Documents released Monday included papers providing Monica Lewinsky's account of her relationship with the president.

(2) An August 1995 photo released Monday shows the Lewinskys, from left, Barbara, Bernard, Michael and Monica with President Clinton.

(3) A June 1997 letter from Monica Lewinsky to the president was included in papers released Monday.

Associated Press
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Publication:Daily News (Los Angeles, CA)
Date:Sep 22, 1998
Words:874
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