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Kickshaws.

~ THE NEARLYWEDS

Ray Love sends this batch of sweet couples just in time for Valentine's Day: "Combining some female celebrities' first names with other male celebrities' last names and uniting them in 'wholly' matrimony creates some amusing results for the names of the women. These nuptial pairings come from my imaginative wordplay 'fictionary'".

If movie star Tuesday Weld married baseball player Rick Monday, she would be Tuesday Monday.

If actress Hope Lange married singer/songwriter Neil Diamond she would be Hope Diamond.

If jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald wed Star Wars villain Darth Vader, she would be Ella Vader.

If outlaw Belle Starr got hitched to actor Timothy Bottoms, she would be Belle Bottoms.

If Queen Elizabeth II wed scientist Michael Faraday, she would be Queen Faraday.

If TV show panelist Kitty Carlisle married country singer Conway Twitty, she would be Kitty Twitty.

If singer/songwriter Dolly Parton wed actor Lorenzo Lamas, she would be Dolly Lamas.

If actress Penny Marshall married actor/director Mike Nichols, she would be Penny Nichols.

If sexy actress Elke Sommer married bit part actor Will Seltzer, she would be Elke Seltzer.

If singer Crystal Gayle wed actor/comedian Billy Crystal, she would be Crystal Crystal.

If actress Cybill Shepherd married singer/songwriter Paul Simon, she would be Cybill Simon.

If actress Bea Arthur wed comic actor Arnold Stang, she would be Bea Stang.

If actress Minnie Driver got hitched to movie star Gary Cooper, she would be Minnie Cooper.

If rock singer Tina Turner married pop singer "The Big Bopper", she would be a Tina Bopper.

If movie star Joanne Woodward married folk hero William Tell, she would be Joanne Tell.

If singer Lady Gaga wed football quarterback Andrew Luck, she would be Lady Luck.

If actress Olympia Dukakis married actor Denzel Washington, she would be Olympia, Washington.

If talk show host Queen Latifah got hitched to talk show host Larry King, she would be Queen King.

If soccer goalkeeper Hope Solo married comedian Bob Hope, she would be Hope Hope.

If actress Bea Benaderet wed folk singer/actor Burl Ives, she would be Bea Ives.

If singer Ella Fitzgerald married Candid Camera creator Alan Funt, she would be Ella Funt.

If singer April Stevens wed actor Fredric March, she would be April March. So ends this concocted couples couplings and "twogetherness" run amok.

~FRAUDEVILLE ACTS

According to Ray, ""If certain celebrities got together as duos or trios and formed a comedy, dancing or singing act and performed on stage, here are the names that might be found on the marquee.

If actor/comedian Jack Black and actor/comedian Ben Blue formed a vaudeville act, they could be billed as "Black & Blue".

If actor Joseph Cotton developed a routine with comedian John Candy, they could be called "Cotton/Candy".

If soul singer Gladys Knight worked up an act with singer/actress Doris Day, they could headline as " Knight & Day".

If country singer Molly Bee, pop singer Bobby Vee and actress Sandra Dee formed a trio, they could be "The B.V.D.s".

If actress Suzanne Somers came up with an act with actor/comedian Jonathan Winters, they could star as "Somers & Winters".

If country singers Johnny Cash and Carrie Underwood performed as a duo, they could call themselves "Cash & Carrie".

If talk show host/comedian Jay Leno and TV actor Jimmie Walker got together, they could perform as "Jay/Walker".

If baseball player Chili Davis formed a vaudeville act with Honeymooner Art Carney, they could headline as "Chili Con Carney".

If singers Vikki Carr and Lena Home performed as a duo on stage, they could be billed as "Carr/Home".

If comedian Lucille Ball formed a trio with comedian Jack Benny and actor Jack Lemmon, they could star as "Ball & Jacks".

If writer Oscar Wilde and actor/comedian Gene Wilder worked up a variety act, the marquee could read "Wilde & Wilder"

If singer Billy Ocean teamed up with actor Tom Cruise, they could be called "Ocean/Cruise".

If actress Helen Hunt worked up an act with movie star Gregory Peck, they could be billed as "Hunt & Peck".

If comedian/politician A1 Franken got together with writer/commentator Ben Stein, they could headline as "Franken/Stein".

If actor/comic Red Buttons formed a vaudeville trio with actress Bo Derek and R&B singer Bo Diddley, they could perform as "Buttons & Bos".

If football coach Chip Kelly and TV actor Dale Robertson joined forces, their act could be called "Chip & Dale".

If singer Phoebe Snow starred with actress Betty White, they could be introduced as "Snow/White".

If actors E. G. Marshall and E. G. Robinson worked up an act together, they could be billed as "The EeGees".

If prime minister Winston Churchill performed with TV host Hugh Downs, they could headline as "Churchill/Downs".

If The Three Stooges's Larry Fine and football player/sportscaster Dandy Don Meredith teamed up, they could be called "Fine & Dandy".

If character actor James Coco formed a duo with actor Orson Bean, they could perform as "Coco/Bean".

If psychologist Joyce Brothers and the singing trio McGuire Sisters worked up an act, they could be billed as "Brothers & Sisters".

If comedian Red Skelton teamed up with letter turner Vanna White and baseball pitcher Vida Blue, the marquee could read "Red, White & Blue".

If actor Adam West and actress Eve Arden joined forces, they could headline as "Adam & Eve".

If actor Michael J. Fox got together for a comedy routine with actress Helen Hunt, they could be called "Fox/Hunt".

If actress Barbara Hale formed a duo with comic actor Oliver Hardy, they could perform as "Hale & Hardy".

If race car driver Richard Petty got together with singer/songwriter Johnny Cash, they could be billed as "Petty/Cash".

If actress LaWanda Page teamed up with billionaire businessman Howard Hughes and diplomat Henry Kissinger, they could be introduced as "LaWanda Hughes Kissinger" now.

If actor/director Orson Welles got together with country singer Donna Fargo, they could perform as "Welles/Fargo". That, of course, would be just their stage name.

If clarinetist Pete Fountain and actor Sean Penn formed a duo, they could call themselves "Fountain/Penn".

If singer April Stevens, actress/sex symbol Mae West and actress June Ally son formed a trio, they could headline as "April, Mae and June".

If comedian Bob Newhart had a heart transplant, then resumed performing his stand-up routine, he could be billed as "Bob Newheart".

If King Kong actress Fay Wray and singer/actress Courtney Love teamed up, they could be called "Wray/Love".

"On that self-serving wordplay," Ray writes, " I conclude this naming nonsense."

~CONSECUTIVE LETTERS

Jeremy Morse sent a group of words with consecutive letters within them. As he describes it, "The following words of eight letters contain six letters of the alphabet.
    FEEDBACK A-F
   FLIGHTED D-i
   PARQUETS P
   QUIPSTER P-U 


A longer word is neeed for a more difficult sequence.
    EQUIVOCATORS Q-V 


For seven consecutive letters one must go to
    PERQUISITION OU 


But the champion with eight consecutive letters is
    EQUIPONDERATES N-V 


~REVISITING THE-LANDS

"There are, of course, many more-lands than are in the latest Kickshaws," Dan Tilque notes. "The list of countries is missing Ireland, Finland, and Switzerland, which I'm sure you're aware of by now." Here is a surprisingly long list of place names that end in "land."

AUCKLAND city in NZ, also the province that it's in

BASUTOLAND former name of Lesotho

FIORDLAND region in New Zealand

HELIGOLAND (or HELGOLAND) archipelago in the North Sea owned by Germany

JUTLAND peninsula that Denmark is on

NEDERLAND Dutch name for the Netherlands, also towns in Colorado and Texas

SHETLAND island group north of Scotland

"Then there are a number of subdivisions of various Germanic-speaking countries which I looked up online," he notes. "I skipped a few that you already had."

BURGENLAND state in Austria

FLEVOLAND province in Netherlands

FRIESLAND province in Netherlands

GELDERLAND province in Netherlands

GRENLAND traditional district in Norway

GOTALAND historical region of Sweden

HADELAND traditional district in Norway

HALLAND county in Sweden

HELGELAND traditional district in Norway

HORDALAND county in Norway

HALOGALAND Viking era kingdom in Norway

JAMTAND county in Sweden

KVENLAND historical region in north central Scandinavia

LAND traditional district in Norway

MIDHORDLAND (or MIDTHORDLAND) traditional district in Norway)

MIDTJYLLAND region in Denmark

NORDHORDLAND traditional district in Norway

NORDJYLLAND region in Denmark

NORDLAND county in Norway

NORRLAND historical region of Sweden

OPPLAND county in Norway

ROGALAND county in Norway

SJAELLAND (or SEALAND) region in Denmark

SUNNHORDLAND traditional district in Norway

SVEALAND historical region of Sweden

SADERMANLAND county in Sweden

VARMLAND county in Sweden

VASTERNORRLAND county in Sweden

VASTMANLAND county in Sweden

VASTRA GOTALAND county in Sweden

ZEELAND province in Netherlands

ASTERGOTLAND county in Sweden

OSTERLAND historical region of Sweden (now southern Finland)

"I'd be surprised if this comes close to exhausting all the Wordlands out there.," he concludes. '"PS: In Swedish, O is actually the last letter, coming after Z and a cou ple other vowels we don't have. In Norwegian, the last letter is A. I alphabetized the above accordingly." -SNOWBALL PALINDROME CHALLENGE

A snowball palindrome doesn't have to be written in winter. It's a palindrome that starts with a word of any length (I suggest a one-letter word-A, O, I, X), then a word spelled with one more letter, and then another with one more letter, and so on. Here is a simple, trivial example :that gets the point across:

O, DA, ADO!

The challenge is to write the longest snowball palindrome. A second challenge is to find the longest that goes in reverrse. A third is to find the longest made of a long first word that decreases in wrd length as the palindrome progresses to the end.

A third challenge is to start with a longer word, decrease each successive word by one letter till reaching the middle, and then increase each successive word one syllable. The interesting thing about this two-way snowball is that the words in the first half must be repeated in reverse in the second half. Here is an example:

ABLE WAS HE? I, EH, SAW ELBA.

I asked several of the palindromists who were in the geopalcontest that resulted in a lot of new geograhical palindromes. Three of the palindromists who won the geopalindrome contest wrote examples of snowball palindromes longer than the one above.
                                * 


Lori Wike creplied, "snowball palindromes--thhose are so hard! I posted a few efforts in Mark Saltveit's Palindromist magazine forum the other year: "I haven't been able to come up with any that have more than 5 words so far, but I'll work on it! I love crazy palindrome challenges!"
    I, ma? Imp? ASAP, Miami!
   I, ma? Mud-eyed umami?
   A no IF A mama, Fiona.
   A ho lad eyed? Aloha!
                             * 


Martin Clear said, "Re your palindrome of increasing length words, I managed six words.
    I go rip some memo's pirogi. 


I used to write some expanding line-unit dromes. That's a line-unit drome with wordlength of 12345654321 words. This was probably the best."
    WATCHMAKER
   Knowledge
   of divers
   can in light
   winds hide a lead
   of mere inches a watchmaker
   says, but could a metal spring
   of mere inches a watchmaker
   winds hide a lead
   can in light
   of divers
   knowledge?
                               * 


John Falcone said," Below are a few 'Snowball Palindromes' I've come up with. Lori Wike will send you a 10-worder that she and I came up with together. I admit that she did the hard part (finishing touches). I found the workable ten letter ender in 'diastemata' and suggested 'space' as the fifth word. Lori came up with the beautifully surreal inner workings.

Here are my Snowballs."
    O, Oz zoo! Dorothy's exclamation on encountering so many
                   strange creatures:
   I go "Yoo!"--Yogi
              The late Yankee sage really was a spokesman for
              the soft drink "Yoohoo."
   O, ha! Dip ASAP, Idaho!
   I no tag; ires, ulcer, Hannah recluse-rigatoni?
   I no tag; ires paler Hannah-relapse-rigatoni!
   A so red (nope) dines rapper "Dad-Repp"-arsenide,
ponderosa!
               This nine word snowball needed a fictious hip-hop
               artist to complete the deed.
                               * 


Jeff Grant said, "Longer examples are certainly possible. Here are a couple of nonsense ones I dreamed up this morning. A most enjoyable exercise!."
    O no, Mik! Evil olive kimono!
              (The Mikado-Japanese emperor-shows up in a
               lurid green robe.)
   A ma, Ron, apes paler, redder 'relapse' panorama.
              Ma Baker's foray into landscape painting was not
              a success.)
   "Here's another simple example:"
   (9-x = 3)
   'x' is six.
              [DM: Very clever, Jeff. It's probably the first math
               snowball!
] 


~ DINING WITH THE DUCHESS

Bill Brandt says that "The limerick about having tea with the duchess is one of my favorites (that's assuming you can have more than one favorite). I have seen it in some publications, but they did not identify the author. It got me thinking about what might have happened with other meals eaten with the duchess. The first verse is the original, the rest are the ones I have created."
    I sat next to the duchess at tea;
   It was just as I feared it would be.
   Her rumblings abdominal
   Were truly phenomenal,
   And everyone thought it was me!
               *
   With the Duchess again for a meal,
   These limericks were writ with some zeal.
   I know they're not phenomenal,
   I hope they're not abominable.
   And hope they just have some appeal.
               *
   I sat with the Duchess for brunch, *
   We met with the usual bunch.
   All in a good mood,
   They grabbed all the food,
   So I had nothing to munch.
               *
   I sat with the Duchess for lunch,
   I was hoping for something to munch.
   But when I got there,
   The table was bare,
   Except for some cookies and punch.
               *
   I sat with the Duchess for dinner,
   For a meal I'd hoped was a winner.
   Instead of a roast,
   All we had was some toast,
   And I went home quite a bit thinner.
               *
   I went to the Duchess soiree
   It lasted for most of the day.
   The food was delicious,
   But I got suspicious
   When they hinted that I had to pay.
               *
   I went to the Duchess picnic,
   I thought the meal would be quick.
   All the food that I tried,
   Was double deep fried,
   And I ended up going home sick. 


~ THE DISCOVERY

To cap off his versions and visions of "The Duchess," Bill sends a limerick sequence about learning a difference that leads to....
The Discovery
    One sunny day in early June,
   Two babies woke round close to noon.
   Though facing eye to eye,
   They neither one did cry.
   Their conversation started soon.
   The first said it would be a joy,
   To learn if I'm a girl or a boy.
   It is daunting task,
   I don't know who to ask,
   Or just what tactics to employ.
   The second said I really know,
   I found it out a while ago.
   To learn the thing I seek
   I simply took a peek
   And took a look there down below.
   To show you now here's what I'll do,
   Pull down the covers for a view.
   But before you speak
   You must take a peek.
   See I'm a boy, my booties are blue! 


~ DEVIL DROMES AND OTHER PALINDROMIC SINS

"Can't wait for more palindrome challenges!" Lori Wike writes, looking back to the previous Kickshaws contest featuring geographic palindromes. "I've been home sick the last few days--you might enjoy some of these recent palindrome experiments:

I call these "Devil Dromes" (3 words, each with 6 letters--there are limited possibilities since one is confined to palindrome words and semordnilaps, but these are my favorites so far):
 Repaid pull-up diaper. Redraw Hannah, warder. Looter Hannah,
retool! Remark, Hannah Kramer? Reward redder drawer? Pupil's
pull-up slip-up? (A nasty gym class accident) 


In these palindromes I've hidden "insider words" (which I learned about in Jim Puder's February article "Looking for the Longest Insider Word"). All of the hidden insider words are names of famous people, hidden in plain sight--unfortunately, the palindromes don't make a lot of sense. (For the hidden names, see Answers and Solutions.)

1. Nosy, reviled garage barons rot! Call an abyssal cat. Sap, cite operas! Evil olives are poetic; pasta, classy. Ban all actors, Nora. Beg a rag delivery, son.

2. Marge let hell a ball. I began, a.m. Remit a timer, manage bill. A ball, eh, telegram?

3. Pot? No sir, romaine! Drag Raj I met in an item I jar? Gardenia, Morris, on top.

Finally, these Bach-inspired palindrome riddles are also of the hidden in plain sight variety. Bach's crab canon in the Musical Offering was originally written as a puzzle--a single line with the indication that the piece should be a two-voice canon and with a mysterious backwards clef at the end as a hint to the solution. The performers had to come up with the palindromic/retrograde solution. It occurred to me a few months ago that Bach's crab canon puzzle can be compared to writing half a palindrome and posing it as a riddle. These riddles all contain half of a palindrome hidden in their questions (the last one is a bit sneaky) and the answers are the full palindrome, and they too can be located in Answers and Solutions.

1. What did NASA tell the tofu nuts to do?

2. What woodwind skill does trade erase?

3. What type of ad evaded AOL?

4. What dramatic production does a repose curb?

5. What bizarre sight did fleeting, inexorable Tom see?

6. What composer would I revere, if I had to choose one?

~ CHESSBOARD PUZZLE

I made up this puzzle a few years ago and submitted it to GAMES MAGAZINE, but it wasn't accepted. Now KICKSHAWS has a chance to accept it. Since I'm the Kickshaws editor, I officially accept it for this issue. Here's 'the puzzle: Arrange the squares in this chessboard to form the first four stanzas of a wonderful poem, its source, and its author. The complete and correct answer appears in Answers and Solutions.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Anil contributed the remainder of this issue's Kickshaws, including forwarding the internet stuff at the end.

* BEWARE THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND!

Remember this. The 36 numbers on a roulette wheel total 666.

And ROULETTE WHEEL can also = 666 alphanumerically: (18x15)+(21x12)+(5x20)+20-5+23+8+5+5-12 = 666.

* MACHINE HUMOUR

An article in New Scientist (15 August 2015) reported attempts to teach a computer to create jokes. It gives a new meaning to the word anonymous. Here are the jokes cited:

* My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings.

* The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

* The [indecisive] rower could not choose either oar.

Not bad, especially the first one. Note that they are all puns, probably the only type of humour the programmer(s) could teach it. Or merely the best type! Of course I would say that, my last three collections below are mostly pun-based.

HOMOPHONE POEM

The third machine joke above (either oar), plus [Up] Reek Creek from "Fun with Nautonyms"

(15-242), inspired this seven-pun poem about paddle hoarding.
Confessions of a Reformed Debt Junkie
         O, were ower o'er oar or ore. O, err! 


* A QUIZ

What is unique about these letters? E H I L N T W Y Answer below. (Read next line for a hint.) (Hint: think alphanumerics.)

* A NON-QUIZ (So relax!)

Q. What does the invisible man drink?

A. Evaporated milk. (From my local paper's Kids Page. In my dotage, I'm a regular reader.)

Q. In a walking race what is the second place winner called?

A. The walker-up.

Q. Who is sent to the Average Prison?

A. Breakers of the law of averages. "Be average or else!"

Q. What is the purpose of eating ice cream?

A. It's a substitute for masturbation in public.

Q. What is the proper response if told you've won the Nobel Prize?

A. Dynamite!

Q. Why is the ring finger not used in obscene gestures? As a semiotic rule of finger, it would be more logical "love"-wise than the middle finger.

A. Yes, but it's too dam hard to hold that finger all the way up by itself. If easier it'd make a good left-hand gesture for "Will you marry me?" But you'd want the lighting to be good.

Q. Why should a violinist never over-flatten an E-flat?

A. Because flatter E will get you nowhere.

Q. Where do hippies learn everything?

A. At the Hippy Campus.

Q. What is the meaning of this recently uncovered old note, attached to a map of Eurasia?

SIBERIA, IBERIA, SI! SERBIA, SI!--Beria

A. You guessed it, it's an ambitious old KGB plot. (Amazingly it turns out to be a polyanagram, with a zip in the first si. It also includes two charades, one circular. Note SIBeria, IBeria, Beria.) But why was it in Spanish? For secrecy? (duh) Or to plant blame on Spain if uncovered later? An alternative interpretation is that the note actually was a Spanish fabrication meant to put the fear of Russia into the Iberian people and so bolster the popularity of its military dictatorships.

Q. Is the pen mightier than the SWORD?

A. Yes, except in fencing.

Q. Is the pen mightier than the WORDS?

A. No, unless the pen is a dictator's. (Or a bank's.)

Q. Is the pen mightier than the DROWS?

A. Unsure. Drows are trolls in Orkney dialect (Chambers Diet.), and some say the troll is mightier than the pen.

Q. Is the pen mightier than the cob?

A. I don't know, but AUFL (Animals' Universal Female Lib) probly thinks so.

Q. Can astral travelers run out of time?

A. Ask Einstein. (You'll need to run out of time to do this.)

Q. How many carbons does it take to change a climate?

A. Enough already! Okay??

* PUZZLE ANSWER

These are the only letters which are included in the names of their letter's numbers (fivE, eigHt, nine, tweLve, fourteeN, Twenty, tWenty-three, twentY-five).

They're also free of curved lines, but not uniquely: so are A F K M V X Z.

* ASHTRAY THOUGHTS

You are what eats you.

You never know what you're escapable of if you don't try.

In a dark alley no one can see you scream.

The deafness is silencing.

Nature abhors a vacuum, so leave all that dust and dirt alone!

When Lady Fortune smiles, count her teeth.

What a diminished world it would be if it weren't for twins. Women would only have one breast.

To be politically correct the muse of hymns and mimes, Polyhymnia, should be called Polyhernia.

Life begins at forty winks.

And naps are good medicine. Hence the old adage, "A nap 'pill' a day keeps the doctor away."

If what's good for the goose is good for the gander, the gander must be gay.

Words are sluts. They'll go down for anybody.

Australia's coat of arms reveals that kangaroos and emus rule the country. Of course in the prima facie government they're fronted by people.

The "good" is silent in "good government"--ie, not pronounced.

If the big "WHAT?" question didn't carry any WT. it would be laughable. HA! (Never do things by ha!)

* WHO'S AFRAID OF VENUS DE MILO?

Since I lost my teeth, I can only grit my gums. But it's not easy, they don't quite meet. Try it next time you lose your teeth.

And don't call me Senior! Pronounce it like Signor, as I've "Seen yore."

Here and now I'm that other guy that I'll later be blaming for assorted outcomes.

Every time I go on a diet I soon dessert it.

Until recently I spent my whole life totally nescient of the word nescient. What nescience!

HELP! I'm a slave to the speech centre of my brain. Whatever I do, it always has the final say! Would writing instead of speaking free me? Or must I do without words altogether to be free?

On a happier note, it's occurred to me that I'm going to live to be 150! How do I know this? I had a mid-life crisis at 75.

Anil

16/1/16, or as you would say 1/16/16 (Double pity, 16/16/1 would be a palindrome.)

~ WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED

Here is one of those anonymous funny lists that float randomly around the web. Show it to your true love and see if this really does explain why men are seldom depressed.

Men Are Just Happier People-what else do you expect from such simple creatures?

--Your last name stays put.

--The garage is all yours.

--Chocolate is just another snack.

--You can never be pregnant.

--You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

--You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

--Car mechanics tell you the truth.

--The world is your urinal.

--You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

--You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

--Wrinkles add character.

--People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

--New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

--One mood all the time.

--Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

--You know stuff about tanks.

--A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

--You can open all your own jars.

--If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

--Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

--Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

--Everything on your face stays its original colour.

--The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

--You only have to shave your face and neck.

--You can play with toys all your life.

--One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.

--You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

--You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

--You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

--You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

--

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

--If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

--When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

--When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators ... YEP!!!

MONEY

--A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

--A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

--A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

--The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

--A woman has the last word in any argument.

--Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

--A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

--A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

--A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

--A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

--A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.

--A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

--Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

--Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

--Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

--A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

--A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

ANSWERS AND SOLUTIONS

Answer to the questions in "Devil Dromes and Other Palindromic Sins."

1. Edgar Allan Poe

2. Ethel Merman

3. Jim Morrison

1. What did NASA tell the tofu nuts to do?

Stun UFO, tofu nuts!

2. What woodwind skill does trade erase?

Trade erases a reed art.

3. What type of ad evaded AOL?

Loaded Aveda ad evaded AOL.

4. What dramatic production does a repose curb?

A repose curbs Bruce's opera

5. What bizarre sight does fleeting, inexorable Tom see?

Fleeting, inexorable Tom sees motel bar oxen ignite elf!

6. What composer would I revere, if I had to choose one?

I'd revere Verdi!

ANSWERS AND SOLUTIONS

The poem is "Jabberwocky, followed by title and author information: Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There, Lewis Carroll, pseudonym of Rev. Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, Oxford

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

NOTES

Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (January 27, 1832--January 14, 1989), wrote "literary nonsense" under the pseudonym Lewis Carroll. He was an English author, mathematician, logician, photographer, and Anglican deacon.

On July 4, 1862, Dodgson took the three Liddell girls on a rowing trip and told them a story that was the beginning of the Alice books. Alice Liddell begged him to write it down. Eventually, he presented her with a handwritten, illustrated manuscript titled Alice's Adventures Under Ground in November 1864.

"Jabberwocky" appears in the second Alice book, Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There, published in 1871. The game of chess plays a major role in the book's structure.

DAVID MORICE

Iowa City, Iowa
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Author:Morice, David
Publication:Word Ways
Geographic Code:4EUSW
Date:Feb 1, 2016
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