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Keep recycling.

I'm so excited that Bob Dole resigned from the Senate. It's a start. Now if only Newt Gingrich, Dick Armey, and Trent Lott would follow suit. Hell, to make it a fair fight, Clinton should step down, too. Doesn't matter. Earlier this year, we proved we can get along with the government shut down. This is our chance to prove we can get along without any visible leadership at all. Seemed to hold our own during the years 1980 to 1992. Dole ostensibly quit so he could devote more time to campaigning for the Presidency, which he's finding much harder than in his previous campaigns, mainly since there are more states now.

Memo to Team on Bob Dole's New Look Campaign Strategy:

The decision to have the Majority Leader quit the Senate saw a remarkable rise in his poll numbers. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Pressing ahead, the next day we trotted him out at a rally without a tie and an immediate climb in his accessibility factor was noted in three separate focus groups. Since these minor adjustments have paid off so quickly, some of our future plans include:

* Having the Senator continue to publicly resign from various organizations. Start with the Elks, Lions, Price, and Rotary clubs. If he doesn't belong, we'll submit predated registrations, then have him pack it in.

* Throw a fashion designer (think American) onto the team to update the Senator's sartorial image. Preferably not gay, or at least keep the swishy facets to a minimum. No extremes, people. If I'm watching This Week With David Brinkley and I see the candidate in a turtleneck and a Nehru jacket, heads are going to roll.

* Accentuate the babysitting analogy and have the candidate spend an hour or so in day-care centers around the country.

That's it, kids, we got a big job ahead of us, so let's get cracking.

* Portland, Oregon, where when it doesn't rain, they get edgy. 'What's the deal, there's no water in the air. No way you're getting me out in that.'

In an effort to straddle the middle of the road so tightly he runs the risk of having a double yellow line slapped on his forehead by the Transportation Department, Bill Clinton sucked up to the religious right and came out against same-sex marriage. Ooh, there's a courageous political move. But hey, it's an election year. What alternative do gays and lesbians have? Dole? Perot? Buchanan? It's like offering rabbits a choice between starving foxes and the farmer who only eats them a limb at a time. My theory is that gays have the right to same-sex marriages as long as they promise same-sex divorces will be as expensive and messy as the opposite-sex kind. Why shouldn't they have the same right to property battles, custody disputes, and dirty laundry aired in public as heterosexuals? Let each of us know the joy of entertaining in-laws who just happen to drop in from three time zones away. Relationships doomed from the end of mouthing the words "I do." Thrown rings. Then 100 percent of the population will know the answer to the age-old dilemma: Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.

* San Francisco, California, where two district attorneys were found after hours in a conference room in tres flagrante delicto. It's 11 p.m. Do you know where your district attorney is?

I had to read this about four times in the paper today before it actually sank in. The United States is buying missiles from Russia. Let me repeat that for those of you who still have some of that weird gelatin from the Easter ham stuffed in your ears. We're buying surface-to-air missiles from the Russians. Aren't we supposed to be aiming missiles at them, not arguing about discounts? We've built an entire society out of figuring how to turn their country into BBQ, and now they're "friendly Ivan" down at the True Value Hardware and Nuclear Weapons Store? Seems pretty silly now that we wasted all that money on projects like the invisible airplane--the Stealth Bomber, which I never understood. What good was an invisible airplane going to do? The enemy would just look down at the radar and say, "Well, there's no aircraft here, but there are these two little guys in a sitting position at 40,000 feet."

* San Francisco, California, where David Letterman is taping and the free tickets are going for $300 apiece on the open market. About the price of a parking ticket.

A British scientist announced that a pill restoring full function to impotent men is now in the final stages of clinical testing and could be available for sale as early as next year, which to millions of American men must be like saying the fountain of youth and a scratch golf handicap are right around the corner. The drug is called sildenfil and works by increasing levels of cyclic GMP, which sounds good. But to be honest, you're talking to a guy who didn't know his GMP needed to be recycled. The side effects do include headaches, but they could say it made your feet swell to the size of small sheep and your ears turn brittle and snap off in high winds and guys wouldn't care. Originally it was being tested to combat heart disease, but had this very interesting side effect, causing patients to request additional doses to be delivered in overflowing container cars. Of course, knowing men as I do, having spent much time drinking many beers with them, not to mention withstanding scurrilous lifetime accusations of being one, I'd have to assume that a great number of them are going to wonder what a drug that can help men with a problem could do for men without a problem. Until it's available over the counter under some clever name like "Erector Set!" I expect doctors to limit office visits to one a day.
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Title Annotation:Off The Map; political humor - Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, etc.
Author:Durst, Will
Publication:The Progressive
Article Type:Column
Date:Jul 1, 1996
Words:994
Previous Article:Get out the champagne.
Next Article:Drag queen goes to the big tent.
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