Kaye Adams: Can't figure it out; MILLIONS ACROSS THE GLOBE WHO LIKE PLAYING SUDOKU ARE SO SAD AND REALLY MUST GET A LIFE.
SUDOKU? You must be cuckoo ... the fact that millions across the globe are gripped by it cuts no ice with me. I only have to hear the words number game and I slip into a coma.
The only grateful nod I'm prepared to make in its direction is that it has relieved me of my self-appointed title Queen of the Dulls.
When Sudoku fanatic Carol Vorderman comes out in public and says, 'Once I've put the kids to bed, all I want to do is get down to a number puzzle,' I reckon that puts meone step closer to Courtney Love.
Now, if you're talking Scrabble - that's a different matter. I can get quite excited about Scrabble.
I'm not averse to a quickie either but the minute things start to get cryptic, I'm off.
I can still feel the heat of humiliation some months after taking part in aTV pilot that I was told was about crosswords.
It didn't occur to me that it would be anything other than 1 Down, three letters, it sat on the mat. Come the day, it was more like 2 Across, five letters, J, K, L, M,Nand I had to sit alongside Tony Slattery and Sue Cook and a studio full of cryptic-crazy punters and watch them stroke their chins and consider homophones, synonyms and acronyms.
You'll gather by now I am not one for overly exercising my grey matter but that doesn't stop me from engaging in a running battle with the British Airways magazine.
In each episode, they publish a brainteaser for the business types to cogitate on. I love to read them and say 'Pah, my mind doesn't work that way.'
It sounds better than 'Ah just cannae dae them.'
But this week, I thought I'd grown an extra brain cell. Here's the question - everything Mr Red owns is red. He lives in a red bungalow with red chairs and tables and red tables. His walls and floors are red. All of his clothes are red, his shoes are red, even his carpet,TV and telephone are red.What colour are Mr Red's stairs?
Answer on page 20. Easy-peasy. I knew it. I just knew it. But that only made me all the more eager to turn to page 20 for confirmation of my brilliance.
I flicked to page 19 and then to the next. It was an advert with no number.
The next numbered page I could find was 23. Back and forth I went and no sodding page 20. I was beside myself. What a rotten thing to do.
All those puzzley people are mean sods
Brainy: Carol Vorderman