Kaye Adams: Awaist of time; Trying to get into an old pair of trousers was a bad idea the two ends of the waistband didn't meet. The new fitness campaign starts right now.
IT'S cost me the best part of pounds 100 and taken me the worst part of two hours on that flaming internet but I reckon it's going to be worth it when I unveil my tight tummy and cellulite-free thighs.
Now, don't all rush at once. I am not, repeat not, saying that I've found a website where you can order such a tummy and thighs to be delivered to your doorstep. April Fools' Day is over.
What I've spent my pennies on is a mini-trampoline, a set of skipping ropes and a big blue ball.
My new fitness campaign starts now or, rather, when the stuff arrives and I get it unpacked and assembled and have the running machine that I never use removed.
You get the idea. My new fitness campaign starts imminently.
Last week, I made the somewhat naive move of putting a pair of trousers I hadn't worn since before I had Charly into the dry cleaners in preparation for their return to active service. Then off I trotted down to London with them in my bag ready to wear at a posh lunch.
They're lovely trousers and they looked really good from the hem to the crotch. Sadly, I didn't pack any safety pins because that's what I needed to make the two ends of the waistband meet.
Clearly, I've suffered a bit of body-delusional-syndrome over the past two years but the other thing I hadn't reckoned on was that the trousers are from pre-hipster days.
The now popular option of letting your belly spill over the top and your backside fall out the bottom is not available with these trousers.
Of course, it was very tempting to ditch the bothersome breeks and buy a pair of low-slung jobs to take up the slack but, be warned, the days of breathing easy are numbered.
The dreaded high-waist is making its way back to the High Street and your wardrobe. Getting dressed in the morning is about to become complicated again. It's a return to big knickers on, fold the flesh in, tuck your top in your tights and gird it all in with skirt or trousers which sit just below your rib cage, digging in like crazy. Now this might not matter to the likes of Britney and Kylie and Pink who've been shoving their toned torsos in our faces for so long. Toned is toned whether it's covered up or on display. Flab that flutters on the breeze might not be attractive but at least it's comfy.
Trying to arrange it underneath a tight piece of fabric drawn across your belly is mental and physical torture.
It's just got to go which is why my fitness campaign really must start very, very soon.
So, why a trampoline, a pair of skipping ropes and a big, blue ball?
Well, I need something I don't have to leave the house to do and I read an article on the plane home about the benefits of bouncing.
It was late in the day by then and me and my trousers were beginning to pose a serious threat to cabin pressure so I was in a mood to be persuaded.
I also figured that bouncing was an activity Charly and I could do together because it's just about her favourite thing. It's nice to think you can share an interest with your offspring, isn't it?
Charly's next favourite thing is running naked round the dining table screaming 'catch me, catch me' at the top of her voice, so you have to be selective.
The skipping ropes and the big, blue ball? I am not going to spend two hours on that flaming internet and only buy one thing, am I?
That would be madness.
It's alright for her: Kylie; Minogue's toned figure shapes up well, whatever style is in fashion
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|Publication:||Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)|
|Date:||Apr 3, 2004|
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