KEOGH the CAT; tall tales from the moggie world.
My owners, concerned over recent white-out conditions, have seriously curtailed my social life.
They keep me indoors every day, concerned I may suffer frost bite, something I thought you only got by crossing a snowman with a shark.
What they don't realise is I've got a more than adequate second home (a property three doors away with a cat-flap). If things get too nippy, I move in there.
As it is, I have to spend long days staring through the French windows, with only Kightly, a cat four years younger, for company.
She's so immature that she still chases her tail. I just look at her and think 'Get a life' - which would make ten.
What's more, we've both been given litter trays, which is something I haven't used since a kitten.
It's the cows I feel sorry for. They're stuck in a field all day and some are so cold they've turned into eskimoos.
Kightly still finds the snow exciting and bounds around in the stuff on the rare occasions we're let out. The novelty wears off after 10 minutes and she screams to come back in.
She's fascinated by an igloo created by the kids next door. Actually, it's not a proper house because it hasn't a toilet.
So it's an 'ig', really.
The trick is to take things steady and make sure you eat plenty.
The only thing that falls and doesn't get hurt in this weather is snow.
And I've learned to my cost you don't catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have flown south for winter.