Jungle trek just a plug for Becks.
IF you believed the pre-publicity, David Beckham Into The Unknown would see England's footballing legend tackle a death-defying journey deep into the Brazilian rainforest.
So, in order to show some solidarity I set myself a similarly Amazonian task: to avoid all mention of Rebecca Loos as I watched it. A big task, I know. Yet somehow, with the love and support of my wife and children, I managed it.
Sure, I had some hairy moments. Not least when they were trying to get the campfire started and someone said: "Keep blowing, keep blowing."
Thank God I showed such fortitude. Because I'm sure the last thing Team Beckham needed while they were glossily promoting the next chapter of Brand Beckham was some smarta*** highlighting the redacted chapters.
These seven words tell you all you need to know about this documentary: "Masterminded by Beckham's marketing guru Simon Fuller."
The fact that it began with what looked like - and may well have been - a new Guinness advert should have given the game away.
But I'm sure enough people still fell for all that guff about the poor millionaire global superstar's quest for just one moment of anonymity.
Danger? had bike Center A simple man though might have asked Becks why, if he was so keen to do a Greta Garbo, had he done a film that's already been sold to 15 territories including the lucrative Chinese market? Why our supposedly commercial-free BBC happily colluded in this project remains a mystery. It can't have been on the grounds of quality though.
The film was enjoyable enough, but in reality it was merely an overlong edition of Wish You Were Here?, with added motorbikes. Awkwardly, while Beckham was getting a free 90-minute plug on BBC1, British Airways was enjoying a similar leg up on BBC2. You may have your own views on the BBC using our licence fee in this way. But someone's making money off it. Sadly, if we pooled the personal return on our collective investment we'd still need to borrow to buy a 1p Ryanair ticket.
I've hairier rides at Parcs As for Beckham's film, while I do not doubt his family man credentials, his "I love my kids" routine was so relentless I suspect the "cease and desist" letter from Peter Andre's lawyer is already on its way. I also remain unconvinced he was in any real danger. I've had hairier bike rides through Center Parcs.
Of course, I accept his encounter with the Yanomami tribe could've been tricky.
But only if the ancient script on one of his tattoos had turned out to be Yanomami for "I'm going to flatten your village and put up a big theme park."
As it was, he got on brilliantly with the tribesmen until one of piped up: "What kind of work do you do in your land?" Erm.
Anyone know the Yanomami word for "promotional"? Danger? I've had hairier bike rides at Center Parcs