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Juliet Lawrence Wilson's column: LITTLE BIT OF VOTES ADVICE.

Byline: Juliet Lawrence Wilson

THE Scottish Tories have vowed to do better in the next election.

As I am always on hand to give help and advice to the less fortunate, here are my top ten policy suggestions for their next manifesto:

GET rid of the last two Scottish people in Edinburgh (there's only me and Les McGowan left)

TO give Rosie Kane time for a daily half hour speech in the Scottish Parliament. If only to convince everyone that socialism may not be a good thing.

FREE whisky at all election polling stations. More people might turn up if there is the possibility of getting pissed.

FREE whisky on the evening of the election results. Why should we spend our own money on getting pissed when we realise that we have voted in the same bunch of w*****s.

TO give Hannah Gordon official Saint status.

TO take away Sean Connery's passport and right to wear tartan.

TO put Darius Studies on the school curriculum, to encourage school children to pass their exams so they don't have to become a pop star/laughing stock.

FREE hangover cure of Irn Bru and bacon roll on the NHS.

TO introduce the policy of cleaning hospitals (this one might be a bit far fetched).

Massage parlour concessions in the Scottish Parliament building to cut down on MSPs' travel expenses.

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SAINTLY: Hannah
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Oct 9, 2003
Words:231
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