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Johnny Vaughan Column: How would Sir like his hamster: fresh or frozen?

I AM kept awake at night worrying about the increasing number of reports of escaped snakes, so was delighted to read this week that at least one - a four-footer called Busta who'd been on the run for eight months - had been recaptured.

I'm afraid the story doesn't have an entirely happy ending - Busta was found in a neighbour's flat with the neighbour's hamster, Beano, bulging in his stomach - but at least now there's one less snake on the loose for me to check for under the bed.

However, my hopes of sleeping more easily were ruined by a chance remark from Busta's owner, who revealed that she'd "given him frozen hamsters but he didn't like them".

Now I can't sleep for my concern about this frozen hamster trade. I mean where do you get them from? Are their special shops like Iceland - Miceland? - offering "2 for the price of 1" offers?

Can you get bags of "mixed" rodents like you get mixed frozen veg? Are they frozen live for "extra freshness"? Do they do organic? And is there an exclusive brand which sells itself like a club and claims "only the fattest rats can join"?

If any of you know the answer, please let me know - because I'm very tired.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Vaughan, Johnny
Publication:Sunday Mirror (London, England)
Date:Aug 6, 2000
Words:210
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