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Johnny Vaughan's column: Sex across the board in three simple moves.

THE year 2006 will be a memorable one for all sports fans if, as its game's governing body hopes, chess becomes an Olympic event and at long last gets to enjoy the same athletic recognition as small-bore rifle shooting, big-bore rifle shooting and mega-bore rifle shooting.

Under the Physical Training Act of 1937 chess, like darts, does not fall under the definition of sport. If it's going to hit the big time it'll be necessary to change either the law or the way the game is played.

I favour the latter.

In its current form chess isn't strenuous or raunchy enough for the hype- mongers to get behind it, but if players were to take a leaf out of the modern women's tennis circuit I feel sure it's admission into the Olympic "club" would be a mere formality.

Firstly, chess players need to get themselves some tennis-babe style management: Successful candidates will be greedy, hard-drinking men with criminal records (preferably a pushy father).

Secondly, chess needs a sexy makeover. Players will wear skirts short enough to reveal an intriguing range of underwear and, rather than sitting during the game, will bounce energetically from one foot to another in reassuringly squeaky plimsolls before "coming in to the board" to take a pawn. The captured piece would of course, much like a spare tennis ball, be put in their pants for safe keeping - all under the close scrutiny of a binocular-ed capacity crowd.

Finally, there'd be lots of orgasmic grunting and groaning for the pensioners at home too. The black knight's steady progress down the white rook's blindside would be punctuated with the player's increasingly climactic yelps.

The capture of a queen would be complemented by groans of: "Oh yeah, baby, you know you love it!" and checkmate would be heralded by an explicit simulation of full-on sexual intercourse. If the World Chess Federation follow this plan, tabloid photographs of Russian tennis beauty Anna Kournikova bending down to adjust her shoelaces, would soon become old news as editors fought for the exclusive shot of the moment Gary Kasparov overstretched himself and exposed his bishop.

So come on International Olympic Committee - give the ladies something worth checking.
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Copyright 1999 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Vaughan, Johnny
Publication:Sunday Mirror (London, England)
Date:Jun 27, 1999
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