John McKie: - No way, Jose.
THERE are many,many things I don't get. Excel spreadsheets, quantum physics, logarithyms, how to spell logarithyms... it's a long list.
But of all the things currently baffling and bugging me,one stands out: why do so many women fancy Jose Mourinho?
Mourinho, the be-stubbled bighead whose Chelsea team beat Barcelona this week and are cake-walking to the English title, is impossible to escape here in London. If he was just on newspaper sports pages, fine. But the women's pages are full of witterings about the 'Portuguese man of phwoar'.
Here's one female writer: 'Men want to be like him.Women want to go out with him. From a straw poll of the office, no-one doesn't fancy him.'
This is all wrong. I wouldn't pretend to understand women, but some talk of settling down with a nice guy, or others who go for the strong but decidedlysilent types. Or they want a sense of humour.
What's wrong with Gordon Strachan, then, ladies? He's funny.
When Fergie's team won the Champions League, I don't remember him getting any of this female attention, his wife Cathy excepted.
Mourinho's arrogance got boring round about September. In the past month, the bloke who calls himself 'the special one' has become obnoxious.
He told Liverpool fans to shut up. He took the huff and refused to do any post-match interviews after the first leg of the Barcelona game.
At the end of a game his team were very lucky to win, he stormed the pitch, causing a massive security risk and making a right prat of himself.
And all in that stupid grey overcoat - the only one he's got.
There have been megalomaniac managers before, but the late Brian Clough was at least funny. Most of the other greats have that Scottish reserve. Busby, Shankly and Stein were brought up too well to shoot their mouths off like Mourinho.
No-one, other than his female fans, seems that excited about Mourinho and his defensive, overpriced
side.Who, incidentally, shave their chests. Jose Mourinho is a cold fish who would eat himself, served with chips.
Even the Chelsea fans I talk to prefer to look back wistfully at the days of Derek Johnstone in defence, Robert Fleck and the electric fence. Contrast that with the nail-biting Scottish title finish. For all its big game prestige, Chelsea v Barcelona on Tuesday didn't generate much noise.
So Chelsea may win the big trophies, and many women may think he's sexy, but will any true football fan ever grow to feel affectionate about someone as conceited as Mourinho? My guess is - - No way, Jose.
MAN OF PHWOAR: For some reason women fancy Mourinho