Joan Burnie Page: It's money for nothing.
CAN'T remember taking spray paint to anything lately or setting fire to some kiddies' playpark for the sheer hell of it.
I've been in bed by 12 most nights and I haven't gone joyriding in anyone's stolen motor.
I'm not smoking spliffs or getting blootered on the Buckfast and cider and then spewing up.
As far as I know, the neighbours aren't trying to get me landed with an ASBO and the only time I've done the expletives non-deleted bit was when I tripped over the dog's lead.
So please Sir, can I have these 25 quids' worth of vouchers for CDs and so on which Gordon Brown says he's planning to hand out every month for good behaviour?
I'm sure some OAPs wouldn't mind getting their pittances topped up either, but alas the Chancellor only intends the largess to be gifted to teenagers.
See, bribing them to be good is our Gordie's latest big idea.
While I'm sure it will be as huge a success as all his other brilliant wheezes, such as tax credits and lifting billions out of pension funds, shouldn't we expect young persons to behave themselves without being chucked a bung?
But to be fair, it makes a change from someone bunging the Labour Party a few thou in exchange for a seat in the Lords.
Meanwhile, the Government has missed its child poverty targets by a mile and who am I to suggest that Gordon's spare change might be better spent on reducing that than on this half-baked ... sorry Chancellor ... innovative notion?