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Joan Burnie: This Pillockus Maximus needs lesson in manners; Stars such as Crowe swagger about as if they were medieval monarchs, surrounded by their Court and hangers-on. Some take it as a licence to abuse.

Byline: Joan Burnie

I BLAME Russell Crowe's parents. Seriously. Maybe his mammy didn't breast-feed him.

Whatever, someone certainly failed to teach Russ his manners when he was a little kid. So there's our wee boy, aged 41-and-a-half, still chucking his toys about with less control over himself than his own wean.

Being in the movies hasn't exactly helped because Crowe, along with practically every A-lister - and come to that Zee-lister - is surrounded by a bunch of brown nosers whose entire life is devoted to clearing up after them.

When the likes of Russell says jump, they keep jumping and if they don't, they duck as the ordure and the phones begin to fly.

Stars such as Crowe swagger about as if they were medieval monarchs, surrounded by their Court and hangers-on.

They think they are entitled to treat the plebs as if they were the dust beneath their Reeboks.

Of course act-ors have always been half way up their own backsides, referring reverentially to their 'art' while refusing to accept what they do can be done more or less by anyone, including dogs.

Mostly it is mildly amusing or slightly irritating.

But there are those, including Pillockus Maximus,who take it as a licence to abuse.

Whether his lawyers and agents will mange to extract him from his latest dip in the deep doo dah remains to be seen. A spell in the chockie is unlikely to help.

The Sing Sing cons might rearrange Crowe's features for him, but not his character. Russell needs to go back to basics which is where my House of Big Tearaways comes in.You may have seen the television version for toddlers where monster moppets are transformed into mummy and daddy's wee angels.

My grown-up version will however be run on slightly different lines.

For a start, it will be a whole lot tougher.

Think boot camp - and then some. No booze. Nasty nannies. Lots and lots of running around.

You, and indeed Russell, might think that someone who has commanded ships and fought off the Romans won't have too much trouble.Wrong.

That was Hollywood, sunshine - with the Winnebago standing by along with hot and cold running serfs. This will be for real with no stand-ins.

He'll beon the go from morning to night.

Did I mention that Russell will also have to wear a nappy, drink milk from a bottle and sleep in a cot with lights out at 7pmon the dot?

See, when people act like babies Russ, they deserve to be treated like them as well.

There will be no more high horse, but a high chair from which he won't be allowed down until he's learned his ps and qs. In short, civilised.

As for fighting, it will be the naughty step for him with a dummy stuck in his cake hole.

But there will be plenty other big kids to play with too. Oh yes.

Those such as Kate Moss, her crackhead pal Pete Doherty, Christian Slater, Naomi Campbell, Jessie Wallace to name but a few who could do with a spell inside the House as well.

I was going to suggest Clown Prince Harry, but then he is already there, isn't he?

Except it's called Sandhurst
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jun 10, 2005
Words:539
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