Jim Brown, on why he refused to block with the Cleveland Browns: "do you ask Liberace to carry his piano?".
ARNOLD PALMER, on heaven to a golfer: "When you're playing so good that the hole is always getting in the way of the ball."
Seventy-nine year-old JOE PATERNO, at his coronation as AFCA Coach of the Year: "Don't get on me about my age. Herman Masin is 92 and still editing Scholastic Coach."
More PATERNO, on his approach to alumni boosters: "Keep giving us your money, but not your two cents."
Legendary St. John's (MN) football coach JOHN GAGLIARDI, on Minnesota winters: "The forecast is always clear and still: The snow's clear up to your butt and it's still coming down."
The Seattle Times' DWIGHT PERRY on the offensively-challenged Portland Trail Blazers: "What's the difference between Wilt Chamberlain and the 2006 Trail Blazers? Wilt has a 100-point game to his credit."
TNT analyst STEVE KERR on basketball fights: "Sometimes even teammates get into it. I once got into a fight with Michael Jordan during training camp. I hit him in the fist with my eye."
JAY LENO, on the Orange Bowl match-up between Florida State's 76-year-old Bobby Bowden and Penn State's 79-year-old Joe Paterno: "No wonder the game was played in South Florida. In fact, when the game ended, the players dumped a huge bucket of Metamucil over Paterno's head."
The late BEAR BRYANT, when asked by his math professor to define the word "cosine": "How can I spell a word like that, ma'am when I have never been more than two inches away from a football."
Legendary Dodger manager TOMMY LASORDA, as quoted in the Los Angeles Times, upon being offered a $500-a-year raise by GM Al Campanis, with a request that he not tell anyone: "Don't worry. I'm just as embarrassed about this as you are!"
Eighty-year-old MARV LEVY, recently rehired as the Bills' GM: "The say that two things happen when you get older. One is you begin to forget things. And I can't remember the other thing right now."
FOX broadcaster TERRY BRADSHAW, after several NFL wags suggested that it would be a good idea for the then 10-0 Colts to lose a game so they could better concentrate on winning a Super Bowl: "That's like me saying I think I'll get another divorce so I can focus on my next marriage and really make it work."
VINCE LOMBARDI, explaining his traveling orders for a night game: "There will be two buses leaving the hotel for the stadium; a 2 p.m. bus for those who need a little extra work and the empty bus that leaves at 5 p.m."
TOM NEWELL, former NBA coach, the first time he saw 5-3 Tyrone Bogues: "At last, someone I can hug before asking him to play a little defense."
The late GEORGE ALLEN, football's all-time workaholic, on his theory of leisure: "The five or six hours after 12 a.m., are the best time for it."
JERRY WEST, on Michael Jordan: "He's the only athlete I ever knew who could play volleyball all by himself."