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JACKSON FIVE.

Byline: LORNE JACKSON

1 RACIST language has reared its ugly head on Big Brother again.

A contestant named Emily was chucked out for using the notorious 'N' word.

Clearly, Emily is dumb as one of those dinky restaurant elevators used to transport food from the kitchen.

And she did use a racist epithet.

But is she a racist?

It's hard to tell.

She came across as someone desperate to be cool, using street argot.

Words change and evolve.

Within a certain context, 'bad' now means 'good'.

This dangerous halfway house noun ejected Emily.

Better to avoid it completely. The N word is a no-no.

2 SAINT Bob and Bono are up to their old tricks again, dumping on the G8 summit for not doing enough to help Africa.

I'm sick of being lectured by rich pop stars about world poverty.

Still, I suppose it's my fault for voting for them.

Hold on, I didn't.

They're in no position to tell any politician how to spend tax revenue.

Do They Know It's Christmas? was a long time ago.

Do They Know How To Shut Up? is the song I'm singing.

3 IN a new book about Princess Diana, Camilla is called Prince Charles's paramour.

Translated from the ridiculous language of Royal snobbery, its meaning is simple.

She was his bit on the side.

4 THERE is a God. After being released, Paris Hilton is back in pokey, where she'll serve a full jail term.

No doubt empty-headed Valley Girls will organise a campaign to release the bland blonde bimbo.

She could even become a Nelson Mandela figure for every poor little rich girl in the world.

I'm sure the charity record is being produced as I write.

Altogether now: "Free-ee! Pa-a-ris Hilton!"

5 UNLIKE Paris, serial song-strangler George Michael will not be jailed for driving while unfit.

His paltry punishment is community service.

A relieved George said he'd "put it behind him."

An unfortunate turn of phrase, given his past record.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Sunday Mercury (Birmingham, England)
Date:Jun 10, 2007
Words:330
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